Silence
by Garadym
Summary: *** UPDATED: CHAPTER 7*** (Y+K, YxK, KxY) Someone discovers he is happy to see someone... happy, even if the other didn't know. (Chapter 1 also revised)
1. Chapter 1

**Author's rambling:** Hi everyone… Here is Gara! Well, I have to warn you that I'm not a native English speaker, so I know I made a lot, lot, lot of mistakes in my fic. Can you forgive me? Please? I hope you like my story and understand what I try to say. 

I'm a big fan of Youji x Ken/Ken x Youji fics, so… you can guess it, do you? If you don't like the pairing… Well, you know.

**About this fic:** It contains spoilers of almost everything about Ken and Youji. So consider yourself warned! ^___^U This fic is shounen-ai (for now…), and of course I do not own the rights for _Weiß Kreuz…_

Silence

Chapter 1 

by Gara (version 1.2, revised by Aoi)

I swear I could have his head for that. 

Well, all right. When he said he needed a ride, just after our mission at the chemical plant, I could understand him. He has been through a really bad time lately; that's why he needed time to think properly. That guy, that friend of his, that... Kase, was it? He had to kill him at the end. I suppose this Kase was not as good as the poor kid remembered. I could only guess, because he hasn't told us anything about it. Maybe I should have asked him, but I didn't have much time either. Just after that mission, he met that girl, the motorist... Yuriko, maybe? Whatever. She asked him to go to Australia, I knew because I found him staring at the ticket. When I asked him, he told me everything, and confessed he was tempted. Very much. I could understand, but I had to make him think. So, I talked to him, and I was harsh. Probably he hates me for all the things I said about the girl and his feelings, but I had to. I wanted him to understand. I wanted him to think.

It is true that he had a lot to think about. It's also true that he's not very fast in the thinking subject, that blockhead, but he had all night for it! He has been outside all night, riding or whatever. All night. He was still out somewhere and Omi had to wake _me_ up early to do _his_ job! I cannot forgive him. _I_ had to wake up _early_, when I never, _ever_ wake up before ten o'clock in the morning. When I woke up it was still night!! But I couldn't do anything. Our leader ordered me to move all the flowerpots outside the _Koneko_ and after that, to water the plants. That was _his_ job. Mine is to sit in the shop while I watch the others work. But I had to do it. Of course, I smoked all the while. I was so angry I didn't even care if Aya was complaining about the damage the smoke could do to the plants or Omi lecturing me about lung cancer. _Kuso_. The only thing I wanted was to go back to bed. 

And his head. Oh, yes. 

I could have sworn I could have his head. 

But, while I was watering I couldn't help but think that maybe he was not late. Maybe he was not going to return home at all. What if he has decided to go to Australia after all? I haven't met the girl, but she had to be very special if a person like him felt attracted to her. The flight parted at seven o'clock in the morning. What if... What if he did? Well, true, all his things were in his bedroom, but those were not important. There are shops everywhere. He could have done it. Maybe... What if... What would I... 

No. He didn't go to Australia because his bike appeared in the street as he parked in front the _Koneko_. 

"Morning, Kenken," I greeted him, watching him as he removed the helmet and walked to the shop. I was relieved to see him at home. He paused in front of me. 

"Youji?" he asked. Surprised to see me working, Kenken? It was as if his eyes didn't reflect his mood. They were dark, unhappy, so "un-Ken's." He was almost like he was trying hard to be himself, but without any results. 

So bad. I suddenly forgot I wanted his head for lunch. He looked so unhappy, so depressed... He usually looked sad after a mission, all of us did. But not that kind of sadness, so deep. It was like I wasn't looking at Hidaka Ken at all. That was not him. Poor guy. I just couldn't see him in that state, the same I couldn't stand seeing Omi cry or Aya... well, you know what I mean. 

A non-smiling Ken wasn't Ken. Ken always had... that naïve, cheerful look. He always greets you with a smile in the morning, when you enter the shop, that almost illuminates the room. Sometimes you think that there's no one who could be so happy in the morning, and you find yourself hating Ken for being so cheerful... No, 'hate' is not the right word. 'Envy'. That is. For being so naïve and so cheerful even when he is what he is, even if he knows the world could be so cruel, even when he has seen all what he had. How could you be in such a good mood from seven o'clock in the morning until you go to bed? Only Ken knows. Maybe that's why he is so special. 

"Yeah, Youji. The one and only," I answered quickly, feeling the urge to see him smile. "I decided to experience something new and I woke up early to work." He almost, almost smiled. I had to try harder. 

"_Suman nai_, I'm late," he said. I shrugged. 

"Next time just call and say you are going to be late," I told him, moving the hose to the next flowerpot. 

"I didn't realize it was so late." 

"I guessed so, Kenken," I smiled warmly at him, and I had a smile in answer. It was not a happy one, though. Anyway, it was a step. "It's ok, Ken. Don't worry." 

"But sure Omi woke you up to do my..." he started. 

"See? That was!" I said, interrupting him, as I slapped my forehead with my hand like I had forgotten something. 

"What?" he asked. 

"I almost forgot that I hate you to the very core of my heart, Kenken," I told him. He stared at me, puzzled. 

"What?" 

"It's your fault poor Kudou Youji is here, watering plants instead of sleeping safe and warm in his own room," I accused him, pointing him with my finger. 

"So, you hate me for this." 

"Deeply," I assured him, drawing from my cigarrette. 

"_Sou ka..._" he said. 

I didn't know what I saw in his eyes. Did the kid think I was talking seriously? How much pain did he feel after all he has been through? Man, I couldn't tell, but I couldn't let him think about it either. So, I acted. 

"That's why you deserve to be punished," I menaced him. 

"Punished? What are you talking about?" he asked quickly. It was just the answer I expected from him. He was opening the door I wanted. 

"What do _you_ think it could be, Kenken?" I asked and looked at him with the most teasing smile I could muster, to see him blush. And I suceeded. "Kenken, you little pervert!" I shouted, as if I was scandalized. He flushed even more. God, it was so easy to tease him and he was so damn cute with his face all red... "I was talking about this!!" I cried, and I directed the hose, and thereby the water, towards him. I put a finger on the hose mouth, so that the water could splash him with full force. 

Man, by his face I knew it was the last thing he expected, therefore he was not prepared. He couldn't retreat or dodge the water, and it hit him square in his chest at the first time. He tried to block the water with his hands, but it was useless. He was completely soaked very soon. 

"YOUJI!!" he cried, trying hard to block the swash. "Stop it!!" 

"Mmm... let me think... No." 

I redirected the water to his face, and when he tried to block it, I aimed back at his chest, then at his legs, at his fet... He couldn't do anything, so he ended up looking for coverage behind the flowerpots. It was also useless, because my hose and I followed him wherever he tried to hide. 

"YOUJIIIIIIII!!!" he was still crying out loud, but it was an amused tone that I could, at last, recognize as Ken's own. It was working. I smiled. "No! Please, stop!" 

"That's the famous Kudou's revenge, Hidaka," I kept saying with my best evil grin while I pursued him. "You are a dead... hum, no, sorry... _soaked_ man." 

He started to laugh. It was like music, I just felt happy that reached my objetive, to see him laugh. To see him forget for a moment... Although it didn't mean that I was going to stop with my "punishment."

"I said I was sorry!" he exclaimed with a bright smile, trying hard not to laugh. His hair was almost glued to his face, drenched, as well as his clothes were to his body. He shook his head and ran a hand through his hair, to keep his bangs away from his dark eyes. He stared at me. "Please?" Good, good. He pulled on his best puppy face to me. It seemed that he was in a better mood, now that he tried a trick on me. 

"My poor, _poor_ boy..." I said, feigning that I had pity at last. "You deserve this!!" 

"No, wait!" he said, pacing back, as I was aiming at him with the hose again with a menacing grin on my lips. "Youji, no!" 

"Oh, yes." 

I had stopped the water by putting a finger inside the hose, and that was the moment I chose to let the strong flow free. Ken received it on his face. 

"Yooooooooootaaaaan!" he cried out, laughing, calling me by my nickname. Another signal. He had to close his mouth so that the water didn't end in his stomach. He paced back again but he stumbled with something and fell, landing on the floor roughly. "_Itai!_"

I quickly stopped the water with the finger again, concerned, and approached him. 

"What a moment to be clumsy, Hidaka, _ne_?" he said, rubbing his buttocks with his hand and looking at me. I just started laughing at the words and because Ken was smiling as well. 

"Are you all right?" I asked him, giving a hand to help him stand. 

"Soaked" he said, I laughed again. "You evil Yotan." 

"_Hentai._" 

"_Baka._" He stared at the hand I was still offering and smiled. 

A very evil smile. 

Next thing I knew, I landed on the floor in front of Ken who had made me fall tripping my leg with his. He got up quickly and reached for the hose I released from my grip when I fell. It was not easy to catch, but his experience as goalkeeper allowed him to take the hose that was moving madly on the floor, like wild a serpent. He smiled evilly to me and approached. I was still on the floor, my cigarette hanging from my mouth. 

"Don't you _dare,_" I menaced him. 

"Let me think..." 

Of course he dared. 

Shit! The water felt so damn cold!!! I tried to stop him but I couldn't, and soon I was as soaked as he was. We started to fight hard for the hose's control, laughing and crying out, until the door opened and Aya stepped out. 

"What the hell are you doing?" he asked, in that serious tone of his. Omi's head appeared from Aya's back. The kid looked at us and supressed a giggle, going inside quickly. 

"Taking a morning shower?" I immediately answered. At my back, Ken held back a chuckle. 

"Do you want to wake up the whole neighborhood?" asked Aya, looking angry. He didn't wait for an answer this time. "So, you returned, Ken." 

"Eh... Yes, Aya, I'm home." 

"It's about time," said the red-haired, going inside to take a broom. He stepped outside and looked at us. "Go upstairs, take a shower or change your clothes. Now!" he ordered, starting to sweep the water from the pavement. "And quickly, the two of you! You are going to clean this mess when you finish. What are you looking at? Go. Now!!!" 

He stared at us with that _"shi-ne"_ look of his. Ken started to run. I followed him quickly, not after saying a "Yes, commander!" to him. Well, I couldn't resist it. Ken was laughing inside, and I stopped, trying hard to shake the excess of water from my hair. 

"Youji-kun, Ken-kun! You're completely soaked!" exclamed Omi from the counter. "What happened? When we came out from the kitchen we heard you criying out loud..." he asked with a little smile. 

"Youji decided that it was hot, and..." Ken started to explain. He was actually joking! What a big success! 

"It was your fault, Hidaka!" I shouted. He smiled at me. "It's your fault that I had to wake up so early... Mmm... See, Omi? That's why I oversleep every day. If I wake up early... then... well, you have seen it," I said, pointing the mess we had done outside. Both of my comrades started to laugh. 

"Nice try, Youji," said Ken. 

"Excuse me? It's clear I have to wake up at ten, unless you want to have crazy water parties everyday..." 

"I'll think about it, Youji-kun..." said Omi, smiling widely. "Now, go up. Aya-kun is coming..." 

That was right. The redheaded had seen us though the window and was approaching. 

"Ooops... Our fearless leader wantes a chat..." I said. Ken was running already. "You're a coward, Hidaka!" I shouted at him before I started to run after. 

I followed the wet footsteps that trailed acroos the house floor, the living room, and the stairs. When I reached the first floor, I found Ken lauging quietly, sitting on the corridor with his back leaning on the wall. 

"Man, you're crazy, Yotan," he told me, looking at me. His gaze was bright, so different from the eyes I saw when he parked the bike outside. "'_Yes, commander!'?_" he quoted, remembering the last words I told Aya. 

"I just couldn't resist it," I shrugged. "So what? It was all your fault..." 

"You are such a kid..." he said, shaking his head in denial. 

"Excuse _me_? A kid? Who was the one that made me fall on the floor and stole my precious hose?" I demanded him. 

"You were aiming at me madly!" he tried to defend himself. 

"_You_ were the one being punished, not _me_!" I told him. He laughed again. 

"But you're older than me. You should behave..." he said, smiling. 

"Hello? Earth to Hidaka Ken... You are talking with Kudou Youji, Kenken... remember?" I told him, looking at him as if he was crazy or something. 

"Oh, yes. I almost forgot..." he answered, smiling sweetly. 

God... that smile... 

"Thank you, Yotan," he said after a pause. I just looked at him. "I needed it. Badly," he admitted, looking at my eyes in such a sweet way that I only wished to embrace him tightly and tell him everything would be all right. 

He is such a good person; he doesn't deserve to suffer... I don't want him to suffer. I want him... to be happy... 

I shook my head. 

"No, really, Youji. Thank you," he said. He saw me shaking my head and assumed I was not giving importance to his words. But the truth was… I was confused. I didn't recognize the emotions I was feeling. Well, I did recognize them, but... I had almost forgotten them. 

So long since... I had... 

... loved... 

Oh, God. Oh, God... 

"I know, Ken," I told him at last. I offered him a hand so that he could get up and he accepted it, squeezing it a little. It felt warm. Very warm. 

I felt my heart beating faster at his touch. What the hell was going on with me? He's Ken! He has been no more than a friend for me all this years and now... I was caring for him. No, not caring. I was actually _feeling_ for him. 

Deeply. 

Oh... my... God... 

Was I falling in love with Hidaka Ken? Me, Kudou Youji? The straight? The womanizer? The one who proclaims he hates men? 

God, I was. The very sight of the spark in his eyes made me happy. The very thought of the change that my joke with the hose has made in his mood this morning made me happy. Being there with him, joking, made me happy. 

Happy to see him happy. 

"Thank you, Youji. You're a good friend," His voice was so soft, so caring, so grateful... 

So Ken. 

"Well, you're a good target," I tried to joke. He punched me on the shoulder. "_Itai!_" 

"_Baka,_" he said, smiling friendly at me. 

Friendly.

Warm, yes, but no more than friendly. I could see it in his gaze. The way he looked at me, the way he talked to me... There was friendship and gratitude. Nothing more. 

And yet, nothing less. 

It reminded me too much of the time... when I was with her. With Asuka. It felt the same. When we were companions and I discovered I loved her for all the little things I shared with her. Her smile, her laughter, her faces, her looks... _everything_. We were only friends because I didn't want to ruin our friendship... until a few weeks, before she died. I told her two weeks before. She said she knew it and that she loved me also. But for old Youji there are no happy endings. As everyone who comes too close to me, she suffered. And she died.

I didn't want the same thing happen to Ken. This time I will not take the risk, I will stay behind the line. He can have me as a friend if he needed me, but I will not tell him I loved him. 

Because I was not falling in love. 

I _was_ in love. 

And I did't want him to get hurt. 

Man, how ironic. 

Kudou Youji, the one that always had the woman he desired... could never have the ones he loved. 

"Go to the shower, Kenken. Or Aya will come and he and his katana will _help_ us return to work quickly," I told him, with a little smile. 

He nodded and headed for the bathroom, totally unaware of my line of thoughts and feelings. It hurt, but it was also better that way. 

The less he knew, the better for him. 

**Author's Notes (again): **So? What do you think? Please R/R. _Arigato_! Thanks to Aoi-san for the review!!


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's blah blah blah: **Hi again,_ minna_! Thank you for your reviews, it always helps to improve! ^__^   
Well... about the fic, I have a little problem. ^^U At first I thought the story as a big Youji POV, but it just happened that I started to think there are going to be things that should be better seen by Ken's POV. So, this fic will be a little misc of Youji and Ken's POV. Hope I don't do a big mess here and you can understand.   
Please feel free to tell me if you understand me or not, I'm Spanish and I don't usually speak English, so I know I can make a lot of mistakes here... -__-U _ Gomen nasai_ for this!  
  
  
  
**SILENCE  
**Chapter 2 by Gara  
  
  
I didn't expected Youji to be such a... good friend.   
  
He was always a big pain in the ass, with that teasing smile, his double-meaning words, and his attempts to make Omi and me uncomfortable. Of course I knew he was always joking, that he talked to much and bothered us just to play and have fun. Sometimes I found myself enjoying the big mouthed Youji even if I was as red as tomato. It didn't matter; when you see that special glint on his eyes, that sudden spark of light and that flashed smile, you kwow what is comming next will be amusing, at the very least. That what is comming next will be simply Youji. That was why I had never wondered what was behind the playboy and joker facade; I was never interested in. All I knew was Youji was funny, talked too much, joked too much and that you hardly ever got bored when you were with him. That was the Youji I knew and the Youji I learned to apreciate, the Youji that was my companion and my friend.   
  
And that was also the Youji that surprised me with a new face. It was new to me and I was truly happy to see Youji could be so gentle and so close without losing his funny self. And evermore after our little talk at Yuriko's. He came to me and told me just the things I didn't want to hear. He had been rough, he did it on purpose and I knew it all, but I didn't want to accept the fact that he kwew perfectly what he was saying about Yuriko, about me and my desire to leave _Weiß_. It was impossible, I knew it, but I was through a bad moment and I wanted to believe I could go through all of this, I could leave it all back and start a new life far from suffering and death. Far from myself.  
  
Yes, I wanted a dream. Well, I'm Hidaka Ken, after all. Aya is the quiet, Omi the inteligent and Youji the ironic. I am the believer. And when you told a believer that he can't fullfill his dreams, the believer got angry and, if the believer has a hot-tempered character, he can talk too much and say too much, and run away. Just like I did. I hated Youji at that moment, when he told me what he told me. I could have fell upon him and hit him hard, withouth thinking twice; I could have hurt him badly, I wasn't myself very much then. Luckily I didn't do it.   
  
Althought I couldn't say if Youji would had blamed me, after what happened that morning on the _ Koneko_. I returned home after a long night of thinking alone with no results, after I had gone to the airport to say farewell to Yuriko and my dreams without seen her. After all that, I returned home very tired of myself. I felt like shit: I _ was_ nothing, I _ had_ nothing. I didn't _ deserve_ nothing. And I...  
  
I found Youji _ working_.   
  
No, not working. He was doing _my_ work. He looked very tired, yes, but he, the Lazy of the Laziest, was doing my work at half past seven in the morning, with his inseparable glasses and the ever-present cigarette on his mouth. He even greeted me when I returned home, no sign of being mad at me on his gaze. What I found on his green eyes was concern about me and my state. It could had surprised me if Youji had not started with the hose trick.   
  
That was a great gesture from Youji. It meant a lot for me. I had discovered myself completely lost after Kaze's death. I had killed him and I felt guilty. But I also felt angry against myself for feeling this way, because a ugly part of me couldn't forget Kaze betrayed me and even thought that he deserved this. I had discovered the man that had been my best friend all life has disposed my fall, my death and, after meeting him again, had used me to regain power. My friend betrayed me. And I, that proclamed to be his friend, killed him. So, I had started to wonder if friendship, one of the basis of my life, really existed and what was its meaning.   
  
And then Youji and his hose entered the room showing me that friendship already existed and it could make the most lazy of your companions to get up early, aim at you with a hose and make you laugh. Even if the previous day you had shouted that companion and told him awful things. Youji and his joke showed me that I had friends still. Youji and his joke helped me to find me again.  
  
God, it was so funny... It was just great. I needed to forget, I needed to laugh a lot and Youji gave me the chance, and even joined me as well, when I stole the hose from his grip. To see the playboy completely soaked was worth everything, even if that 'everything' meant I would be lectured by Aya or I would be working on the shop all day without have slept the night next to a mission. It didn't matter. After almost a week I was feeling like myself again.   
  
I could start to believe again.  
  
"It had been a productive day" I heard Aya was saying, behind the counter. When I looked at him I said Omi counting the money we earned that day. It was... considerable. I could see why Aya was so satisfied.  
  
"_Ne_, Youji-kun, do you see what happen when you work hard?" said Omi with an amused tone. The kid and me hadn't stopped to joke about the amazing sight of a working Youji.  
  
"Of course I see, chibi. If I work hard I would end so damn tired I couldn't hardly open my eyes" answered Youji. "How interesting." His smile was ironic.  
  
"Why are you complaining, Youji-kun?" asked Omi. "You slept more than Ken-kun today and he looks fine."   
  
"I want to remind you that I took all the flowerpots _ out_ from the store this morning" said him. "And I watered them, as well."  
  
"Think it this way. You just did some exercise to keep the shape..." I said.  
  
"I'm used to _ another kind_ of exercise to keep my shape, Kenken" he said running a hand through his blonde hair and blinking at me. I feel my cheeks going red as the implications of Youji's words reached my mind. Youji smiled, as he always did when he saw me blush. "But it's over for today. I will have dinner and I'm going to bed. I will sleep until tomorow night, thank you very much."  
  
"You will work tomorow morning" said Aya inmediatly.  
  
"Aya, I always respect you as a companion, sometimes as a boss and even as a leader. You are intelligent and wise. So please, keep in mind that I'm dangerous on a sleepy mode" said Youji, and he seemed to say it completely serious. Aya arched an eyebrown and Omi and me started to laugh. "What are we having for dinner, guys?" asked Youji before Aya could answer anything.   
  
He got up from the chair where he had been resting and walked towards the apartment. One by one, we followed him, only to discover Aya was planning to go to out, and he didn't give us much time to complain before he took his jacket and left the house. We didn't usually have the chance to dinner together, the four of us. Aya and his misterious walks, Youji and his parties, Omi and his homework and I... well, doing wathever I managed to imagine. This time the only one that didn't eat was Aya, because Youji was so tired he was going to stay at home. It was a extrange thing, so we had to celebrate someway.  
  
"We can call for dinner" I suggested quickly.   
  
"Good idea. You can call for dinner and you can go for it too, Ken" said Youji, suppresing a yawn.   
  
"Youji, it's suposed you call for dinner because you don't want to go for it" I lectured it.  
  
"You _ owe_ me this..." he said, poiting at me with one of his long fingers.  
  
"What?!" I asked.  
  
"I did your job this morning, Hidaka! The less you could do is..." but his words were cutting up by Omi.  
  
"It will be faster, Ken-kun" the kid said. "We can call the restaurant and go for the meal while they are still cooking, so it will be ready for us when we arrive at the restaurant! Besides, we need to go out from here. We have been under a roof all day!" remembered Omi, and that was right. We have been on the shop all day.   
  
"But we can wait for the meal here, sitting comfortably..." I said, but my voice was weak, I could ever hear it myself. Omi looked at me with bright eyes, so I couldn't say no. "Oh, that's right. Let's go" I said finally. Omi clapped his hands together with a little smile on his lips. "Aya must have taken his car, so we have to use yours" I said, looking at Youji. He was staring at me at this moment, and his green eyes opened when he heard my words.   
  
"Sure you _don't_" he quickly answered, looking at me with a serious glare. "I am not going to leave my baby to any of you..."  
  
"Leave?" I asked, puzzled. "Why do you say it? And why do you say _you_? I said _we_" I pointed the three of us, making clear that I was talking of going together.  
  
"I trust you so much I will let you go for dinner alone. I give you permission" Youji ended on a casual tone, waving a hand towards us.  
  
"Thank _ you_, Your Highness" I said, a ironic smile on my lips and crossing my arms on my chest. Omi suppresed a giggle.  
  
"You are always welcome, Kenken" said Youji. He patted my head twice, smiled at me warmly and headed for the kitchen. "I will be a good boy, don't worry. I will set the table and wait for you!" he shouted without turning back.  
  
"Yeah, he will wait for us laying comfortably on the sofa" I snorted. How could he be _so_ lazy? And why had he had to say _always_ the last word? Why couldn't I be angry against him when he does that things? Maybe it was the smile... "Youji _ no Baka..._"  
  
"_Ne_, Ken-kun" Omi little voice took me to reality again. "We can have our revenge."  
  
"_Nani_?"   
  
"You know, Youji-kun have given us permission to bring food at home. But he forgot to tell us what type of food he wanted" said my young friend with a evil grin on his face. "Do you follow me?"  
  
Oh, yes, I followed him. I'm not that short. Clumsy, yeah, but not stupid. Just right then my smile could be the perfect reflecion of Omi's one.   
  
"If I'm not wrong I think I remember that Youji-kun didn't appreciate too much Greek food, _ ne_?" said my companion. I only nodded in response, it was true.   
  
I just laught in anticipation while I saw Omi taking the phone and calling. It would be funny. That morning Youji had shown me his special version of revenge. It was my turn.   
  
My friend asked for the food with a cheerful tone and, when he was finished, we went out. We took my bike and ride fast through the city to the Greek Restaurant we knew. We hardly ever went or use it because Youji didn't like the food there. He said that it was not enoug spicy. I found it pretty good, but since one of us didn't appreciate it, we almost forget it. Besides, Greek food is not cheap. But it was worth to see Youji face.   
  
"Mission: complete" said Omi when we arrived home.   
  
I laughed as I stopped the engine of the motorbike and my friend and me went to the house. It had taken almost an hour to get the food, but we had it at least on Omi's hands. We went to the kitchen quiclky, we were eager to found Youji and told him we had brought Greek food to dinner. Not that we hadn't bought him something to eat, but it was a fact we were going to hide from him to the end of our little revenge. To our dissapointment, Youji wasn't on the kitchen.  
  
"We miss our target, _Bombay_" I said. Omi smiled.  
  
"And it seems the target forgot his duty" comented him, as he pointed the plain table that was not set. "Would you care to go for him while I prepare everything, Ken-kun?" The kid leave the food on a work top and started to look for plates and everything.  
  
"Of course not" I answered quickly.   
  
I headed for the living room because I was sure Youji would be there, watching television. And it could be an interesting program if he wanted us to forget that he had not set the table, as he said. Although, I thought while I felt my cheeks reddening, if you consider what kind of things were interesting to Youji, I was not very sure of what I would found on the living room.  
  
The last thing I expected was an asleep Youji.   
  
He was totally strectched on the couch, a half-smoked cigarrette plastered to the ashtray that was resting on his stomach, which was almost full. The old Youji had taken advantage of being alone to smoke at home. Aya would be mad at him, you could smell the smoke at miles. If there were another circumstances, I could have thought Youji was worried for something, because he only chain-smoke like that when something is bothering him. But this time I was sure that smoking was a tactic to combat tiredness, why could he be worried about? He had been pretty good all day. So, it seemed Youji hadn't been able to fight the weariness even trying to smoke or watch TV, which was on. Did he actually feel so tired?  
  
It seemed to, at least. He was sleeping deeply, he didn't notice me when I took the astray from him and placed it over the table. His breath came regular and quietly, a little smile on his lips, as he was just happy to be sleeping at least. His face was lightly turned to one side, his blond hair covered it a little. I couldn't help but to take a strand of blonde hair and took it off from his face; when I touched it I felt like silk, it was very soft. I smiled. He looked so peaceful, so quiet... He almost looked cute! I had to supress a chuckle. It was amazing that the man who was sleeping in front of me was the very same Youji I knew. The teaser, the joker, the big mouthed Yotan. And now he was hidden under the peaceful face of sleep.   
  
"Youji" I called him. I could smell the food from the living room. I was hungry, and I was sure Youji did as well. "_Oi_, Youji" I said, shaking him a little. He sighed at my touch. "C'mon, man, it's time to dinner..." I told him softly. "Yotan? Wake up!" I said, this time my voice was higher while I shook him.  
  
A pair of green eyes opened and blinked twice, still unfocused. It never cease to wonder me how _ green_ his eyes were, and how bright they could be. Youji looked confused at me, at the TV and the rest of the room and then, suddenly, he sit on the couch focusing his eyes on me.  
  
"Ken! W-What are... " he started to ask, his green eyes on mine. I see something on them, but I couldn't recognize what it was exactly. "What are you doing in my room?"  
  
I couldn't help starting to laugh. In his room? How much time had he been sleeping?  
  
"You are in the living room, Yotan" I said to him when I could calm down. He was still staring at me in a extrange way. Probably we was a little hurt by my laugh. "Sorry, you looked to funny."  
  
"You laughed of me" he said.   
  
"Yes, I did. And I said I was sorry... Should I go for the hose to get my punishment?"   
  
This time was his turn to laugh. Someway I felt just great for making him laugh. He was usually the one that made us laugh, it was a good thing to turn it someday. I liked the sound of Youji's laughter, was clear and joyful.  
  
"C'mon, Yotan... Dinner is ready" I said, pointing to the kitchen with my head. He looked briefly there, but shook his head in denial.  
  
"I'm more tired than hungry, Kenken" he confesed with a yawn. Yes, he looked pretty tired; it had been such a good day for me that I didn't feel the tiredness at all, but could understand my friend. "I'm thankful Omi and you had gone for meal, but I'm going to bed..."  
  
I thought of our little revenge, the Greek food and all of this. It could had been funny, but... He seemed to be so tired... And the fact that him, Youji, the one that always went to bed not before three o'clock in the night was saying he was going to bed at ten could gave the right idea of how much tired he was.  
  
"It's okay, Youji" I nodded.  
  
"Sure?"  
  
"Yeah. You did my work, I can't complain."  
  
"Oh, yes, I almost forgot. You owe me that."  
  
"Consider yourself paid."  
  
"Ok. Say Omittchi good-night from me, would you?" he asked me. I nodded and he smiled at me warmly, looking to my eyes. There were so damn _green_...  
  
"Good night, Youji" I said, feeling a little uncomfortable all by sudden.   
  
"Good night, Ken."  
  
He went upstarirs and I returned to the kitchen to say Omi our mission had failed, but then I heard Youji's voice. He had paused in the middle of the stairs and was looking at me.  
  
"_Oi_, Ken" he called me.  
  
"Yes?"   
  
"Even if it sounds selfish..." he started to say, looking someway unease. It was strange on him. "I'm happy you didn't go to Australia" he said. I looked at him amazed, but he continued talking. "We all could have missed you very much if you did, Kenken."  
  
And he smiled. A tired but true and bright smile, one on a million. I could see in his eyes he was half-sleep, so maybe it was the reason why he told me that, but... I didn't care. I smiled back at him, even if he didn't see me because he had starting to climb the stairs again.   
  
Probably he would never know how much I appreciate that sleepy confession from him, because if they could have missed me that meant I was not alone, I was needed somewhere. That they cared for me almost as much as I cared for them.   
  
That _ he_ cared for me, that _ he_ was my friend.   
  
And now I wasn't starting to believe.  
  
I _ was_ actually believing. 

TBC?

* * * *

**Author's again, yeah:** Well, thank you all, _minna_! Your reviews helped me to write this so quick! I wrote it in two days, what do you think of? R/R?


	3. Chapter 3

  
**Author's rambling:** Hey again! Yeah, I know I'm a bit late. Gomen ne! Work, study, work, you know! Anyway, this chapter is a bit... mmm... I don't know how to say it. I only wanted to write this chapter because I wanted to show the guys as normal friends, you know, normal people, normal things, normal evening. I just wanted to see it ^^UUU Next time I would take the _ Weiß Kreuz_ series again and explore it through Youji and Ken's POV, there are many things I want to tell about! But this chapter was a need for me. Hope you understand. ^___^ See ya!  
  
  
  
  
**SILENCE  
**Chapter 3 by Gara  
  
  
  
  
I had a birthday party that night. The owner of one of my favorites clubs arranged a party that she defined as '_unforgetable_', and she told me that it would never be the same if old Kudou Youji wasn't present. So, she invited me and I acepted. Of course.  
  
I was ready when I came out from my bedroom: my glasses, dark trousers and a dark silk shirt that I wouldn't wear for too long once I arrived at the club. Dancing and clothing didn't get too well, that was why I was wearing a black tank top under the shirt. I choose dark colours this time, because it contrasted perfectly with my almost blond hair and my green eyes. The more dark you were dressed, the more that those colors would shine, I was very aware of it. So, you could say, I was dressed to kill, even if I would kill no one that night. But, after all, I was Kudou Youji. Maybe I wasn't going to be after a girl that night, or the next, or the next... but it didn't mean I wasn't going to look just great and enjoy the party.   
  
"You have a party" a voice was saying behind me.   
  
I had gone downstairs to get my coat and I was looking for the house keys when Ken found me. He looked at me from head to feet and, after a long moment that seemed an eternity for me, he smiled. The only thing I could do was looking at him the same way. There was the reason I didn't feel like going to the party to _ 'hunt'_. He was dressed in that very casual style that matched him just perfectly. White t-shirt, sport pants and white socks. His hair was lightly untidy, and he brushed his bangs off of his face when he looked at me. He was just the opposite from me. He was just... beautiful.  
  
He was just Ken.  
  
"Yeah, a big one" I answered him, fighting hard to apart my eyes from him.  
  
"It must be, you look cool" he said. I blinked at his compliment and stared at him amazed, but he didn't notice because he was moving towards the television, giving me his back.  
  
"When do I not?" I asked quickly, with a teasing smile on my lips.   
  
"Oh, yes, I forgot I was talking to _you_" he said, laughing. "Hope you enjoy it."  
  
"Sure" I said, even if seeying him made me want to stay all night at home. "What are you going to do tonight?" I asked him at the end.  
  
He had put a tape on the video, and was touching the remote to see if he could catch the channel to see the tape. I took the remote from his hands and changed the channels quickly. I could swear our video is a bitch, he only works when Manx is there. I have thought many times that our video-recorder is afraid of our red-head contact.  
  
"Here you are" I said, returning the remote to Ken.  
  
"Thanks."  
  
"Going to see a film?" I asked, although it was obvious. In this moment, the TV screen showed me the title. "_The Mannor_" I read. Ken nodded happily.  
  
For his face and his expresion, I knew it was a terror film. He loved them. He was always scared when he was watching them, jumping from his seat trying hard not to scream, but he just enjoyed them a lot. Why could he enjoy a thing that could make him almost run from the room when the bad guy was pursuing the pretty girl with a big axe was a mistery for me, but I had to recognize that it was pretty funny to watch those films with Ken. To see him hide behind a cushion to avoid him to see the worse scenes always made me laugh. He was an _ assassin_, and he couldn't see how a guy with a horrible mask tried to kill the blonde football team captain. Maybe the reason was he had still hopes, dreams... a heart. Maybe the reason was he was just Ken.  
  
"Mind if I join you tonight?" I asked suddenly, without thinking twice. Ken looked at me, wide-eyed in surprise.  
  
But I was very sure. There were those little things the ones I loved the most from him, the ones that made a person to love another. Really love another. Not how sexy one is, not how cool one looks, not the body one has. There are those _things_. The litthe details you learn to apreciate, you learn to adore, you learn to miss when this special person is not with you. I knew it all too well because I had had it once and I lost it. Now that I had it again I was not going to let them go. Even if it hurt, even if he wasn't going to know it, I loved him and all those little details that made Ken be as he was, so I didn't need one more push to stay at home. To Hell with the party, it was not important if you compared it with sharing a evening with Ken watching a terror film. I was going to enjoy it for sure. We could laugh and joke, and talk. I could be with him, althought it was as a friend. I didn't care. I just wanted to be with him so much that it hurt.  
  
"_Ano_... Youji?" he asked.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Are you really _you_?" he asked again, and he nibbled at my nose. I blinked twice before feeling the pain.  
  
"_Ittai_!!" I screamed, retreating. He started to laugh heartily as he saw me rubbing my nose. "What was that for, you _ baka_?"  
  
"Man, Youji... You asked me if you, _you_ could join me to watch a second-series film instead to go a big party!!" he said, between laughter. "What did you expected me to do?" he asked finally.  
  
"You could told me that my extremely good presence was always welcome everywhere" I pointed up. Ken laughed again. I couldn't help but laugh too.  
  
"Oh, my..." he said, shaking his head. He brushed his bangs off again. "Of course you are welcome, Youji" he said, smiling. "But what will happen with your party?"  
  
"It was not so important" I tried to assure him. It was not true and I think he knew it, because he smiled warmly at me. And I was feeling the most happy man in the world as I took my place on the couch. "Besides, you need someone to tell you that it is a film and the mad guy with the axe is not going to come here and try to kill you while you sleep" I joke. Ken frowned and I laughed almost at the same time.   
  
"I'm starting to regret you are here, truly" he said, but for his tone I knew he was joking as well.  
  
"It was only a joke, Ken. I know perfectly you are brave enough!" I said, patting his head twice like he was a boy. He rolled his eyes, but didn't complain. He understood my sense of humour, he knew I was joking. That was other of those 'details'. "What about some pop-corn?" I asked, getting comfortable. I opened my shirt and put my foot on the table just after had kicked my boots off. Ken was staring at me. "What?" I asked.  
  
"You will ruin your clothes" he said in concern.  
  
"Oh, this?" I asked, pointing the silk shirt. "Don't worry about it. I look fine whatever I put on, even if it is creased" I said, waving a hand. He laughed again. "Have you got pop-corn or not?" I asked. He looked at me, angry. "What now?"  
  
"You know it" I arched an eyebrown. "Omi didn't let me near the microwave to make them and you know it perfectly."  
  
I burst out laughing. It was true! Everytime he had tried to make pop-corn on the microwave we had almost had to call the firemen. Last time the kitchen was covered with black smoke from the very, very, _very_ toasted pop-corn Ken made. So, Omi had decided to forbide him the use of the machine. That was why he looked so hurt now, and that was why I couldn't stop laughing. He punched me on the shoulder.  
  
"Don't laugh at me!" he ordered me, but I couldn't help it. "Youji-kun!" he protested, and I laughed even more. "It's not funny!"  
  
"Oh, yes it is" I said, between laughter. He frowned and looked just adorable. "Don't worry, little Kenken. Uncle Youji is going to make some pop-corn just for you" I said, patting his head softly. God, how could he be so beautiful without knowing it?   
  
I went on my feet and headed for the kitchen, followed inmediatly by Ken. He rested his back against the fridge, arms crossed across his chest and an angry look on his face. I looked for the instantaneous pop-corn on the kitchen cupboards.  
  
"Youji, really..." started Ken. I stared at him, once I had found the pop-corn envelope. "I don't understand why Omi didn't let me near the microwave... It had been only one or two times, no more."  
  
"No more?" I asked, putting the bag inside he machine. I set the time and started it, and then looked at Ken again, rubbing my chin. "Well... I must recognize the first time I found it funny. Aya was so fury red and Omi so scared..." A smile appeared on my lips. "But second time, when you almost burnt the hole kitchen..."  
  
"I didn't burn the kitchen!" he protested. God, I love to joke with him. The way he tried hard to be angry... even when he knew perfectly I didn't mean any word. It was like a game between us. A connection. "I should remind you the sink was saved" he pointed, looking at one side.  
  
"Yeah, I know. That was why I said _almost_, Ken" I said, grinning. He frowned again. "Second time was not so funny. It was like you had started a fire inside the room..."  
  
"Oh, shut up. I don't know why I talk with you, Yotan" he said.  
  
"Because if you talk alone people would start to think you are crazy" I told him on a casual tone. He smiled.  
  
"You sounded as you knew what were you talking about..." he said, grinning. I laughed.  
  
"That's for sure" I said, grinning as well. "It's me, after all."  
  
The pop-corn were ready. I opened the door and took the bag carefully because I knew it was hot. Ken quickly handed me a dish to put it on, and I did it just a moment before my fingers started to ache.  
  
"Thank you very much" I said. "We make a good team, Kenken" I said without realising. He simply nodded, the dish on his hands. He thought it was a joke... Lucky me. "Something to drink?"  
  
"Not beer for me, please" he said.  
  
"Here talks the sportsman..." I chuckled, opening the fridge. "It wouldn't kill you..."  
  
"I know, Youji, but I don't like beer. Too bitter for me, I guess" he told me, fighting with the pop-corn envelope to catch some of the popcorns inside.  
  
"Ey! Don't eat!" I told him. He apologized with a little smile. "What do you want to drink, then?" I had caught a beer for me and was waiting for him.   
  
"Soda is fine."  
  
I took it and pointed to the living room with my head, so both of us walked towards de room, perfectly ready for our film. Ken left the popcorns on the table while I left the drinks, watching as he sit comfortably on the couch and took the remote. I quickly imitated him, grabing my beer and opening it. I was going to ask him what was the film about when we heard a voice behind us.  
  
"I knew it!" shouted Omi. We turned around and found the youngest member of the team pointing to us with a frown on his face. "I smelled the pop-corn from my room..."  
  
"Youji did them! I swear you I didn't touch the microwave!" Ken said quickly, raising his hands.  
  
"That's not the matter!" said Omi. I smiled when I heard Ken sighed in relief. "You are going to watch a film! You didn't told _me_!" he accused.   
  
We look at each other, guilt in our eyes. The smile that appeared on my lips faded out when I realised Omi was right. There were no chance the kid could stay with us to watch the film. It was Thursday night, he had to go to school next morning. The film would end very late for him. We didn't think about it at all.  
  
"I'm sorry, Omi-kun" started Ken, who didn't dare to look at Omi's eyes. The guilt was obvious in his gaze. "I... I didn't think you wanted to..."  
  
"I thought you were studying..." I tried out.  
  
"You're going to watch a film, the two of you. It's a long time we had a chance to watch a film together, and you chose the day I couldn't!" said the kid, pouting.   
  
"I'm really sorry..." said Ken, his head low.   
  
"You are... right, Omi" I said. I could understand why the kid said that. He enjoyed every little time he could spend with all of us. He someway considered us the family he didn't have, so I understood why he felt that way. But it was nothing that coulnd't be repaired. "Ken-kun and I feel very bad for it" I tried to apologize, while looking at Omi and smiling warmly at him. "But I tell you what are we going to do. Are you free on Saturday night?" I asked him. Both Ken and Omi looked at me, amazed.  
  
"Saturday night?" repeated Omi. "Well... yes, I think."  
  
"What about you choosing a film to see on Saturday? We'll repeat the session. Deal?" I asked. A broad smile from Omi was the only answer I needed.  
  
"We can ask Aya-kun to join us!" he exclaimed.   
  
"Of course" I said. I doubted Aya would, but at least we could try.   
  
"It's a deal, Youji-kun! You promise?" he asked. I nodded to him and he smiled again. "You promised! It will be very funny!" he said.   
  
And with that he said his good-night to us and run upstairs, his sadness forgotten. I followed him with a little smile and sighed. It was amazing how happy he could be with such a single thing; how much the kid desired to have a family...   
  
"_Ano_... Youji?" Ken asked suddenly. I turned to him to find him staring at me in a strange way. In the dark of the room his brown eyes were incredibly black, deep. Beautiful.   
  
"Y... Yes?" I had to fight with the lump in my throat.  
  
"Are... Are you going... to stay at home on Saturday night?" he asked me, seriously, his gaze was still strange. I just nodded.  
  
There were not other answer. Stay at home to see another film with Ken and Omi? Stay at home to be with my friend and the man I love? Stay at home to make a child that was my friend happy? Stay at home to be near Ken? God. Yes. For all that was worth in the world.  
  
"Well... I promised."   
  
"It was... It was a nice gesture from you" Ken said. His face reddened a little, giving him the cute look I learnt to adore on him; his eyes were on mine still. Soft, deep, warm. "It was very important for Omi..."  
  
"I know."  
  
"You are a good friend, Yotan."  
  
A good friend and nothing more than a friend. I had to keep it in mind, evenmore when Ken looked at me with those dark and soft eyes of his, and smiled at me warmly. I had to remember. No more than friends. No more than that. I didn't dare to cross the line. Even tought of it.  
  
"Well... I hope I wouldn't regret it if Omi chooses a extremely sugar-sweet film or something..." I tried to joke to break the sudden tension. Ken laughed so I suceed. "Play the tape, Kenken" I told him, pointing the video.   
  
He looked at me for a moment, on that strange way I didn't recognize again, but nodded at the end.   
  
"Here we go!" he said.  
  
The film was truly horrible. A goup of teens were on vacation and moved to a house in a little town, in the coast. People said the mansion was haunted, but the teens never listened to the town-people, so they went into the house and started to live on it, until, and that stole the first cry from Ken, they started to get killed. First, of course, the little blonde and stupid girl of the group, that commited the mistake of going alone to the beach near the house at night. It is a big rule on terror films: "never go alone anywhere". But it was really funny seeing Ken trying to hide himself behind a cushion to not see the worst scenes, asking me to mute the tape to not hear the music (true, without the sound the film was less scary) or shouting the girl to hide quickly. Anyway, the whole thing was great. I enjoyed it a lot, as I knew I would. We were watching the film, eating, drinking, joking and talking all the way, trying to predict who was the murderer and which one of the characters were going to be killed next. It happened it was I the one whose predictions were more accurate.  
  
"_Ne_, Kenken? You know what?" I asked him, while we were watching a part where the kids were trying to tell the police the things that were happening. It was a quiet moment on the film. "We could make a good group of characters to one of those films."  
  
"What do you mean?" he asked me puzzled, looking at me while he was still hugging his cushion.  
  
"You know. Omittchi could be the inocent boy, the one that is too good to suspect from anyone." Ken smiled, understanding my line of thoughts.   
  
"But the innocent guy usually dead at the end... Sacrificing himself for the star or something..." he said. "Poor Omi-kun."   
  
"Yeah" I nodded. "You could be the sport guy" I pointed out.  
  
"No way! The athletic guy always get the worse! He had to fight with the evil guy and he ends dead!" he protested.  
  
"It's not my fault you are the sportman!" I said.   
  
"I don't want to be the sport one!" he protested again.  
  
"But you are."  
  
"Okay. Then you are the funny one!!" he said, pointing me with one finger. I frowned. "Ha!"  
  
"But the funny one is usually the first to dead!" That was my turn to protest, crossing my arms on my chest.  
  
"You have to choose: the funny or the blondie" said Ken, with an amusing tone. I throw another cushion to him, hitting him on the head.  
  
"I think I prefer the funny role. At least it has brain" I said, while I saw Ken laughing. The sound of his laughter was wonderful.  
  
"What about Aya?"  
  
"He is the cerebral type of guy" I said. He nodded. "He could be the only one of us to survive..."  
  
"No, Youji. The clever one always find the culprit, but never survive to him..."  
  
"Mmmm... You're right."  
  
"So... None of us would survive?" asked Ken, rubbing his chin.   
  
"Manx" I said, suddenly. And I burst out laughing. Ken looked at me, smiling at my sudden laughter, but puzzled as well. "Manx can survive."  
  
"Because she is the only girl?" he ventured.  
  
"No..." I said between laughter. "Because the murdered would be so afraid of her that he didn't dare to touch her!!" I almost cry.   
  
It was instantaneous. Both of us burst of laughing out of control. The picture of our redhead contact telling the murdered _ "do not dare to touch me"_ was so funny none of us could stop, the film soon forgotten. Ken was lauging so hard he had to grab his aching stomach while I was actually crying, tears falling from my eyes. The image was so funny... Everytime we tried to regain control we picture Manx frowning and yeling the killer, so everything was going on again. Our laughters were loud and full, but it was cutting of suddenly when we heard a voice behind us.  
  
"There are people trying to sleep."  
  
Aya stern, cool voice sounded on the living room, so suddenly that we almost leapt from the couch. Ken almost screamed, the image of the misterious murderer on his mind, and grabbed my arm unconsciously. When we turned around and found Aya we coulnd't help but start to laugh again, to embarrassed for being scared that way, as we were just kids. I slipped from the couch and ended on the floor, laughing hard. Ken hand left my arm to find his way again to his stomach; I missed the contact, but my jaw was aching so hard I couldn't complain.  
  
"So... sorry, Aya" said Ken, the first of us to regain control. "We didn't mean..." He wiped the tears from his eyes and helped me to sit again. "We were..."  
  
"We didn't want to..." I tried to said, straightening my clothes a little.   
  
"I see."  
  
"You scared us" Ken told him, and I suceed on represing a giggle. "We were watching a terror film and..." Aya looked at us. Sure that was not the picture of two people watching a terror film, but he said nothing, as usual. "You appeared so suddenly that..."  
  
"Be more quiet next time" he said, turning on his heels and leaving.  
  
"Sure, sorry" Ken asured, following him with his eyes. "It's your fault, Yotan." He acused me.  
  
"Mine?" I said, trying an innocent look on him.  
  
"Yes, yours. We were suposed to see a terror film, not a comedy!" he said, laughing again, but this time lower. I smiled at him. "It was really funny."  
  
"I've lost the thread completely" I told him, pointing the television. The teens were running again inside the haunted house and I didn't know why. Nor that I cared.  
  
"So do I" he admited, and he stopped the tape. "I think I'm not in the mood to see a terror film now" he added, smiling again. How I loved that smile...  
  
"Yeah, I could laugh about one of those stupid boys getting killed..."  
  
"And it's not the way it is suposed to be" completed Ken for me. "I think I'm going to sleep, Youji."  
  
"That's a good idea, Ken" I said, going on my foot.   
  
Ken started to pick up the plate, bottles and cans and I helped him to clean the living room a little. Soon we were going upstairs, still talking and laughing a little. Ken was promising me never to tell Manx about our little joke when I managed to think another joke. The sound of his laugh was like... a drug. I needed to hear it one more time. It was very dark upstairs, and we had just seen a terror film, no matter we had ended laughing instead of screaming. But if I knew Ken well, and I knew him pretty well, I knew he could be scared after seeing a film pretty easily. So, when we had almost ended to climb the stairs, I pointed over his shoulder, suddenly, and cried out saying the killer was there.   
  
Before me Ken jerked, leapt and screamed, just as I has thought he would. The only thing that took me by surprise was that Ken tried to turn around. He had forgotten I was on his back, so he pushed me. He took me out of balance and my feet slipped. For an incredibly long moment I felt myself falling down the stairs, until a pair of strong hands grabbed me for my arms and pulled me closer a warm body before me.  
  
"YOUJI!" cried Ken, hugging me close to him. It felt so warm, I felt so safe all by sudden. "God! I'm sorry! I didn't..." Just in that moment he realised he has hugging me, and he let me go, his face all red. "I... I..."  
  
"Ken..." 

When he heard his name he raised his head and looked to my eyes. I saw him swallowing hard all by sudden, but not leaving my gaze. His eyes were so dark, his arms felt so good... My heart was so fast I thought it would break, but the feeling was... Warm. 

It was too good for me. Too good. I had to remember, I had to remind myself I couldn't cross the line. I was no good for him, I couldn't do that. But it was so difficult... It hurt so much.  
  
"You _baka!_" he screamed, still looking to my eyes, still blushed. "Do not scare me again! I could have..."  
  
"Ken..." My hand went up unconsciously. In my mind I wanted to touch his face, so red, so warm, so worried about me, but I took control over myself just in the right moment. We were friends and nothing more, so I rested one shaking hand on his shoulder. "C'mon, man, it's not your fault. I only wanted to joke..."  
  
"But... Youji, you know I'm clumsy enough to break a plastic ball... You could have..." he said, still worried.  
  
"But I don't. It's ok, Ken. I'm fine. I only slipped, that's all" I told him, squeezing my hand a little bit. He smiled lightly. "Besides, you are a good goalkeeper, you performed a nice save!"  
  
"_Baka._"  
  
"Luck you were there."  
  
"Don't do that again."  
  
"Don't count on it." We both laughed. I couldn't stand see him worried. "It's me, after all. And you were pretty scared!" I remembered. He blushed again.  
  
"That's not true!" he quickly answered. "Well... maybe a little bit."  
  
"It was funny" I told him.  
  
"The whole evening was" he said, smiling. I could see his teeth gleaming, even in the dark. "Thank you for staying, Yotan."  
  
"I enjoyed a lot too, Kenken. It was worth of."  
  
"I like to hear it, I feared you regreted..."  
  
"No way." I smiled and I had a smile in return. It felt well.   
  
"Next time on Saturday, then" he said, opening the door to his bedroom. I nodded and he dissappeared, closing the door behind him.  
  
"I wouldn't miss it."  
  
Not for all the good in this world.  
  
  
TBC?  


* * *  
**Author's notes: ** Uuuh... that was close. What do you thing? ^__^ R/R??


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's speech (yeah, sure): **Here we go again! Happy New Year to everybody! Please forgive me, I'm late as always... I hope you like this chapter, at least. I've tried my best, but it was a little difficult. It seems I find it easier when I write with Youji POV. I don't know if it makes much sense... :( For this chapter... Well, I took some of the script from Chapter 9 of the series, sure you will see it. :P But I gave them my very own view. Let's see if you like it! ;)  
  
  
**SILENCE**  
Chapter 4 by Gara  
  
  
  
_Schreient._  
  
By then, all I was able to think about was them. They had called themselves _Schreient_, they had fought against us and they had nearly won. Not a total victory, that was, because we managed to destroy the place, but they made us almost flee. The blonde marked me. My arm was cut. Not to the bone as I had joked to Omi when he was taking care of me (my style, I said), but enough to hurt a lot and to make me think on revenge. My hot-temper and me. It was also my style.  
  
So, when Aya said our mission was not finished yet because the target was still alive, I could have _kissed _our red-headed leader. Luckily I'm not hot-headed enough to wish a quick and painful death, so I didn't dare to do it. Youji surprised me when he told us he was going with us too, but, on a second thought it was pretty logical. You could find Kudou Youji near any beautiful woman, and those _Schreient_ were, althought it was in a... weird way. So, he would be with us. Nor that it bothered me. I was truly happy, really. After the _'hose incident'_ (as we both refered to) I found myself enjoying Youji's presence very much; I had found on him a very good friend and companion. I had discovered I could understand him pretty well, his sense of humour (as good as he had always understood mine, all of ours) and even overtake his actions. I was able to predict when he was going to make the joke. Or at least I could predict it better than I did before, part of Youji's self was he was utterly umpredictable, as well Omi was cheerful and Aya quiet.  
  
"What are you going to do, Youji-kun?" Omi was asking. Before that Yohji had told him to finish looking for my wound and, after he ended, using the net to find a trace of our enemies. By the face Youji put at Omi's question, I knew perfectly it would be another _'beware-here-he-go'_ moments.  
  
"I'm gonna sleep, of course" he said, I liked the way his eyes shone on that moment. Pure mischiev on his gaze. "I cannot offer those ladies a restless face..." I had to repress a chuckle at the feigned inocence on Youji's tone. I knew he was going to say something like that.  
  
"_Oi!_ What are you saying? Is it good for my face to look bad?" asked Omi, and I had to control myself not to laugh openly. Youji didn't answer and went upstairs, followed by a tired Aya. "_Oi!_ Youji-kun! Aya-kun! _Ooooi!_" He turned to me. "It's not fair!" He protested.  
  
"I don't want a tired face, either" I told him, in a gesture of solidarity. He frowned.  
  
"Don't laugh at me."  
  
"I don't... _Ittai!_" I cried, when Omi worked again on my arm. "Omi-kun! It hurts!"  
  
"I know" he said.   
  
"You know Youji didn't say it just to annoy you... It was a joke..." I tried to apologize for Youji, althought I didn't know very well why.  
  
Old Youji, always with the joke ready. I didn't understand completely where did he hide the source of those jokes, they seemed endless. Everything you told him, he could make a joke from it, no matter the subject. He always added that smile of his and the amusing bright on his green eyes that gave the moment that perfect end. Youji used his jokes for many reasons. His past as detective made him a very receptive person, although he seemed tired, lost or both, he hardly ever let pass a clue of the things that were happening around him; he was always observing through his glasses. His green eyes were receptive. So, he knew perfectly when to use his jokes to break the silence, tension or simply to make you laugh, specially when you are through a bad moment; for his friends he always seemed to be in a good day. Youji could surprise you a lot, you could think he is a brainless person, only centered on himself, but I learnt he was not. He was more deeper, more caring, more... Just _more_. I had learnt it. I learnt to apreciate it.   
  
"It's the way Youji is" I ended with a smile, feeling warm inside, the pain on my arm almost forgotten at the mere thought of... I shook my head and Omi answered me.  
  
"I know, Ken-kun" Omi repeated. He had started to dress my arm. "I'm not mad at him. It was the hole mission. I thougth it was over."  
  
"Our enemies scaped, Omi-kun" I pointed. "They could start to do it again..."  
  
"Yes, I know. I understand. But it seems we are going behind them for personal reason, not only for the right..."  
  
"Personal reasons?" I asked.  
  
"You said you wanted to _thank _her for your wound, Ken-kun" Omi accused me. I feel my cheeks reddended with shame. I knew my reasons weren't right, but... that was the way I felt. The way I was. "I feel Aya-kun has his own motivations, too..." said Omi. I had felt that too, but Aya was so isolated I didn't dare to ask. "And Youji-kun... Well. This mission implicates some beautiful women above eighteen, so..."   
  
"Yeah. So." My smile reflected Omi's perfectly. That was the way Youji was, too.  
  
"And for me, I don't know. I don't want more experiments with innocent people. But on the other hand... I feel..." Omi was saying. I looked at him, waiting. "They ruined everything."  
  
"What do you mean?" I asked, puzzled. I didn't understand him.  
  
"You know..." he said, in a low voice after a deep sigh. "It's Saturday night."  
  
It was Saturday night. The night Youji had promised him we were going to watch the film Omi had chosen, whatever it was, we were going to sit down and enjoy ourselves, we were going to spend the night together. I knew my friend was waiting for it as much as I do, the only thought of repeat Thursday's evening make me smile. I had enjoyed that evening a lot, it had been very funny, even if I nearly pushed Youji down the stairs in one of my moments of pure clumsiness. And, if it was kind of... important for me, I knew it was even more important for Omi, because Youji's promise meant we were going to spend the night as close as a family as we could. After Shota-kun's mission, it seemed Omi needed a family more than ever, and he looked at us as the family he didn't remember.  
  
We didn't exactly know what Omi found about himself after Shota-kun's mission, at least _I_ didn't know exactly. It was Youji who took the kid home when he broke up at Shota-kun's house, it was Youji who spoke with the child's parents and tried to know what had happened to our friend, why he had broke that way. Nor that I couldn't do it, it was Youji because he is... well, more _adult_ to the eyes of the other, it was less suspicious and, besides, Youji was a detective. Finding things is like a second nature for him. I didn't know what Youji found, because he didn't want to tell me, even if we were... even if I considered... Hell, yes. Even if I considered him my best friend. We were very close lately. He said it was Omi-kun's to tell us, not him. And, it might sound strange, but I found that gesture, that total loyalty, very nice from him, even if it meant I wouldn't know what was happening. It didn't matter. I found it nice and I apreciated it, because it meant too... Well. This way he showed me, maybe without knowing it, that he hadn't told anyone about our little fight at Yuriko's or my desire to leave_ Weiß_ to go to Australia. It meant so much for me it would be our little secret.   
  
The only thing Youji allowed himself to tell me was it was related to Omi's past, and the only thing I knew about Omi-kun's past was the kid didn't remember any of his relatives. Could Omi had remembered something about? I was curious, true, but I didn't ask because Youji was right. It was Omi who should decide to tell us or not. It was him who should decide if he wanted to keep it secret or not. Everyone have our little secrets, and Omi is no different from any of us. Anyway, the only change I apreciated on Omi after the mission was he was someway more attached to us, looking for the care of a family... That was why he was upset when he found we were going to see a film without him, and why he was so happy when Youji promised him we were going to repeat it. Youji knew perfectly what he was doing when he promised. Another nice gesture from Yotan. It was like having a family...   
  
... and _Schreient_ had ruined it. Then I understood.  
  
"We can wake up Youji, sure he would understand..." I said quickly. I was nearly on my feet when Omi put a hand on my arm.  
  
"No, Ken-kun. It's all right" he said, shaking his head. "Youji-kun is right, you know. We must look for those ladies and finish the mission. Mission goes first."  
  
_"Demo..."  
_  
"It's the right thing" Omi said. He went up with a sight and headed for the kitchen, but he stopped dead in the middle of the room. "_Ne_, Ken-kun..." he started. I looked at him. "Do you think..." he asked, and I saw a spark of hope on his blue gaze. "Do you think we can make Youji-kun stay at home another Saturday night?" I gave a broad smile to him while I nodded, absolutly sure. I had no doubt about it, I knew Youji would understand. "Really?"  
  
"_Aa_. I'm sure of it, Omi-kun." My friend smiled warmly at me. "I'm sure."  
  
"That will be great."  
  
"Yes, it will be" I nodded again. "I think I'm going to sleep, Omi."  
  
"Fine, Ken-kun. I'm gonna eat something before... _Oyasumi nasai._"  
  
"_Oyasumi._"   
  
With this I walked to the stairs and climbed it, directly to my room. I considered to take a shower for a moment, but I suddenly felt so tired that my only wish was liying on my bed and sleeping the rest of the night. And it seemed that was what I did, because next thing I remember was the daylight was fighting its way through my window to hit me on the face. It seemed to be a clear morning, and it also seemed I overslept, as I confirmed when I watched my alarm clock. Half past eight in the morning.   
  
Late. I was going late at work!   
  
Aya was going to _kill_ me.  
  
I got up in a record time and took some clothes to put on, regreting all the time I didn't take that shower before going to sleep. I had not time to in that moment. I rushed out from my bedroom and _ran_ to the stairs, it was a miracle I didn't end dead at the bottom, considering the fact I strumbled six or seven times while I was trying to put my shoes on. No time to congratulate myself, I should reach the shop as quickly as I could, so I headed to the kitchen, where the back door to the shop connected to our house. And there I found Omi, sitting on a chair and eating some cereals while reading a newspaper. My friend lifted his head and looked at me.  
  
"_K-Konnichi wa_" I said panting and a little confused. I looked at all sides, trying to figure where Aya and his katana were, ready to smash me. But he didn't appear. Of course, he would be on the shop by then. "_Gomen_, Omi-kun, I know I'm late... I'm going to the shop right now, I would apologize to Aya, I didn't hear the alarm, I..."  
  
"It's closed, Ken-kun" said Omi, with a little smile.  
  
"_Nani_?!" I asked, eyes all wide. "What do you mean with 'closed'?"  
  
"Just that, it's closed" Omi was laughing quietly by then. I must look kind of funny. "Well, in fact Momoe-san is doing some work, but we don't have to. Aya decided we should rest from yesterday's mission and prepare for the next" Omi informed me. "So don't worry, Ken-kun."  
  
"... _yokatta_..." With that I literally let myself fall in a chair next to me, head resting on the table as it was a pillow and my arms dead both at my sides. I sighed deeply. "... thought I was going to die..." Omi started to laugh openly and I lifted my head from the table, frowning. "_Oi_! Don't laugh at me! I had dresssed myself and run from my room in a record time, I didn't fall on the stairs, I..."   
  
"_Gomen_, Ken-kun. Maybe I should woke up and told you, but I thought it was better for you to rest and discover by yourself."  
  
"I felt guilty when I watch the clock, I can tell you" I told him, straightening on my chair. "How can Youji act normal when he oversleep? I can't!" I asked.  
  
"I can't, either."  
  
"It must be he is lazy" I said, and Omi smiled. "Does he know we don't have to work today?" I asked.  
  
"I think not, because he is still sleeping, as always" answered Omi.  
  
"Really?"  
  
"I have not seen him this morning" he assured me.  
  
"I think I'm going to wake him..." I told him, with a broad smile on my face as I got up and went outside the kitchen.  
  
Truth to be told, my last idea was waking him just to tell him we didn't have to work. My plan was very different. I would wake him and yell him he was going late at work, only to see his face when I told him it was a joke. The risk was he could kill me, yes, but it didn't matter. It will be very, very funny. To mock him insteand him mocking us, for a change. That was my line of thoughts while I climbed the stairs and headed for his room, a little smile dancing on my face. I couldn't help but trying to imagine what would Youji tell me, and what would be his excuse to return back to sleep. Meanwhile, I reached Youji's bedroom, and I knocked at the door, first time weakly.  
  
"Youji?" I asked, trying to sound unsure. It was very hard, because the only thing I wanted right there was to laugh. "_Ne_, Youji-kun?" I knocked again, this time more seriously, because he hadn't answered me. "Wake up, Yohji!!" I cried.  
  
No sound, no answer. I coud had bet he had turned around and had let himself sleep again, even if he had heard me. But I was not going to surrender.  
  
"It's over, Youji!" I cried, the smile openly on my lips. I could imagine him perfectly, trying to cover his ears with the pillow. "Eleven o'clock in the morning! It's late even for you!" I cried. What a big liar I was. No answer, no sound. He was getting hard to convince. "Do you want me to pick Aya?" I menaced.   
  
Man, if someone told me Aya was going to wake me, I would literally _ run_ to the shop, even in my pyjamas. Truly. But the menace was not enough to Youji, it seemed.  
  
"_Oi_! Yo-tan! C'mon, wake up! You're late. Aya is going to gently introduce you his katana..." There were no answer, again. I smiled. "Okay, you asked for it. I'm going to enter and take you to the shop, even if you're dressed or not, so... Here I go, Yot-"  
  
I opened the door expecting to be the one to surprise him. But it was quite the opposite.  
  
"Youji?" I asked.  
  
The room was empty. And tidy. Things perfectly done out, bed done as if nobody had slept in that day. If it had been Aya's room, it would have been absolutely normal. But it was Youji's. Nearly nine o'clock in the morning and Kudou Youji wasn't on his bedroom. When my eyes found his celular phone right over his night bed table, I stepped in. It was the only thing that remained from him, plus his scent floating on the air. I took the phone in one hand.   
  
"I thought he said..." I whispered to myself, watching the room again and placing the phone where I found it.   
  
Almost nine o'clock in the morning...   
  
I didn't understand, and I still didn't as I retreat to the kitchen, where Omi was. Nine o'clock in the morning and Youji wasn't at home? Why? Where could he be?   
  
"Did you wake him up? What did he tell you? I didn't hear any scream..." asked Omi. I sit in front of him and denied with a gesture. "Ken-kun?"  
  
"He wasn't there" I informed him. Omi looked at me, amazed.  
  
"_Hontou_?" he asked, puzzled. I nodded. "Demo... I woke up at seven to do some work on the net. I've already seen Aya-kun leaving home, but I've not seen Youji-kun..."  
  
"Are you telling me that Youji had woken up before seven?" I asked my friend with incredulity. He shrugged.  
  
"I don't know Ken-kun. I only told you I had not seen him this morning... Maybe he hadn't sleep here at all..."  
  
"We both saw him going to bed" I remembered.   
  
"Well, you're right. And I was awake for two more hours after you went to sleep, doing some research. Youji didn't appear" said Omi.   
  
I couldn't remember the day Youji had woken up before any of us, or, more exactly, Youji had woken before any of us _without_ menacing, screaming, cursing and complaing. He didn't wake up early on purpose, never, not conciously, as far as I knew. Why could had him done such thing today? Why he had left his celular phone behind? Didn't he want to be found or he was in a hurry? Why could he be in a hurry? Would he...   
  
... He would be fine, right?  
  
"Ken-kun?" Omi voice reached my ears and I looked at him. I had been thinking about Youji's odd behaviour and staring directly at my hands, I had forgotten the rest. "_Daijobu ka_?" I shook my head.  
  
Youji was going to be all right.   
  
"_Aa_, Omi-kun. I'm fine" I smiled at my friend.  
  
"Really?" he asked.  
  
"Yeah. I was only thinking it's weird Youji had woken up before me... I'm ashamed. I woke up after him... The Lazy of the Laziest." Omi giggled.   
  
"You're right, Ken-kun! You should improve next time!" he said with a bright smile.   
  
"I must train hard" I said.  
  
"Then, I leave you alone for that." Omi went on his feet, newspaper in hand. "I had some research to do. I think I'm close, but I need more time..."  
  
"Did you found something about _Schreient_?" I asked.  
  
"Maybe" he said. "I'm not sure right now, but I'm eager to discover it" he said. He was clever. If someone could find something about our current enemy was him.  
  
"Good luck" I told him, and he smiled at me before going out the room, leaving me alone.  
  
Truth was, I wasn't ashamed at all. I was worried. Where could Youji be? It was so strange from him, to behave this way. Youji was out almost all nights, right, but he always told us where he was going, or at least why he was going. A party, a date, or both. But we always knew, and we could always contact with him, he always took his celular. This time I didn't have a clue and I couldn't call him, and the fact he hadn't told us was what worried me the most. Could have had a problem? Could someone had called him in the middle of the night for help? Where could he be?   
  
Would he be all right?   
  
"Of course he would, don't be stupid, Hidaka" I told myself. "He is Youji, after all. He can manage."  
  
Yes, he can. He was going to be quite fine.  
  
I went on my feet, it had no point of thinking of it. And the best thing for it was keeping the mind busy with some exercises. I had already decided I was going to go out for some jogging and, after that, I was going to do some push-ups and stuff. As I told Omi, I was going to train. If I remember correctly, Omi told me Aya had said we should prepare ourselves for our next mission. I was going to do so. I had a cut to thank to a certaing blonde. Last time she had caught me off of balance, next time would be different. But, for that, I should start training right then.   
  
I was already dressed to run so, after taking a brief breakfast and saying Omi where I was going, I went out and started running for more than an hour, as I usually did every morning. I took the same path, too, although I tried to be as far as schools as I could. For a day, I hadn't to stand those girls in the shop, I didn't want to meet them, because if I did, I should manage them without help. My friends weren't there to help me and give me a hand, and I was as clumsy with girls as I was on the rest of my life. I needed a hand, and I had not the cheerful Omi near (_'can I help you, miss?'_), nor the grumpy Aya ('_If you're not going to buy anything, then leave'_), nor the charming Youji (_'no flower can compete with your beauty'_).   
  
Youji...  
  
When I returned he wasn't at home yet. His bedroom was as empty as before, as I could verify when I was walking towards mine. Everything was on his right place and he was still nowhere to be found. His scent was everywhere inside. A strange mixture of cigarrettes, alcohol and something more, deep, unmistakable Youji's. I didn't know why, that flavour brought to my memory mostly one image: his eyes. Those green pupils of his.  
  
"He will come and made fun of me for being worried, I'm sure" I said, comming out from his bedroom with a sigh.  
  
I entered mine, ready to break my body with exercises. Push-ups, weight training and whatever I managed to imagine. That blonde _Schreient_ wasn't going to face the same _Siberian_ she met first time, I was going to thank her for my arm properly. And I trained for it all day, keeping my mind busy and my body too tired to protest. I only took a break to eat something for lunch and, after that, I started it over again.   
  
It happened I trained too much, because I fell asleep while I was taking a little rest after a shower, when I decided I had had enough. I didn't sleep very much, just the amount of time I needed to recover for the hard training I had put myself on. And just the amount of time I needed to get hungry, so I went out and headed quickly for the kitchen.   
  
"_Oi!_ Omi-kun?!" I called him, went downstairs. "I'm going to dinner! Want some?"  
  
"_Iie_, Ken-kun! Not now, _arigato_!" the voice of my companion came to me from the mission room where he had his computer and stuff.  
  
"Fine!" I answered.   
  
And then the smell of a cigarrette hit me with full force, stronger as I approached to the kitchen. I had never thought I would be so pleased to smell Youji's cigarretes. I nearly run to the kitchen to found my tall friend was sitting on a chair. The ashtray was almost full of cigarrete ends, and the sight worried me. He only chain-smoked when he was worried.   
  
Then he was smoking absently, he was not paying atention at what he was doing. I could bet his mind was far away from what he was doing right then. As far as was his gaze, lost in a place I didn't know. The expresion on his face was strange to me, a mixture of sadness and uncertainty. I had never seen him this way, it seemed to be a person that wasn't sure of what to do or to think, and the Youji I knew was someone that always_ knew_ what he was doing. A new face I didn't know of him, and this image woke on me the strange thought... need... to tell him that whatever it happened, he could always count on me, as I knew I could count on him. The strange need to...  
  
... to...  
  
"Evening, Ken."   
  
I heard his voice. It took me from wherever I was right then and made me to focus again on him. The mixture of feelings on his look had been replaced for the same he had always; another mixture of mischievous look and friendship. The change had been so quick I couldn't say if the previous sight had been just my imagination. I couldn't say right then, and I didn't even care. He was smiling and I was...   
  
... just feeling happy to see it at home.  
  
"How about your arm?" he asked, pointing my injured member the bandage was visible because I was wearign a sleeveless t-shirt. "You dressed your arm, do you?" he asked before I could answer the previous.   
  
"What?" I said. He took me off of guard.  
  
"It's a mess, Kenken. Let me guess... You took a shower and then you dressed your arm by yourself" he said. I looked at my own arm and I understood why he was saying that. I didn't know how it was still in my arm, it was truly a bad bandage. I felt the heat climbing at my cheeks, and I frowned.  
  
"Well... Let me tell you it's a bit difficult to dress your arm when you're alone, Youji" I tried to excuse myself. "Omi-kun was busy and you... where have you been all day, Youji?" I asked, and I couldn't help the worry in my voice. His smile fadded a little.  
  
"Here and there, you know."  
  
"You left your phone behind, I thought... I... I was worried."   
  
Sometimes I _hate_ myself. Why is it so easy for me to talk without thinking much? I shouldn't say that. It was what I felt, right, but I shouldn't say it, because he looked at me in such a way he made me blush completely. His gaze was intense, as he was trying to read on me something I should know and I was missing. It was like he was searching for something he only knew. It made me uncomfortable in a way, warm in other. And it made me blush redder, of course.  
  
"Worried? For me?"  
  
"What do you expect, you, _baka_?!" I said to him, trying hard to break that look, to break his concentration, to break the feeling that was growing inside of me... Feeling I didn't recognize as my own. It seemed I suceed when he chuckled. "You left home, you didn't took your celular and you didn't tell anyone where you were going. All day!!"  
  
"But what a nice gesture for you, being worried for old Yotan!" he exclaimed, smiling at me. "You are a nice guy, Kenken, let me tell you. And I should pay you for that. Let Youji help you with that awful bandage you wear" he said. "Come on, sit" he ordered, tapping the chair next to him.  
  
I smiled at the end and obeyed, all because his tone. That was what I was missing all day, that tone. Or the joke on his eyes, that bright on his pupils. That smile.   
  
"Youji _no baka_."  
  
"_Yare yare_" he said absently, undressing my arm quickly. He looked at my wound while he was rolling the bandage up to use it again. "Does it hurt still?" he asked. I shook my head. "It's deep."  
  
"Yeah" was what I managed to say when I felt his long fingers working on my arm.   
  
He was all concentrated, all serious while he was dressing my arm it almost made me laugh. But, on the other hand, his concern touched me. I felt warm very deep inside, I felt in a way I hadn't felt before. I had always felt quite good with Youji, I mean, he understood me pretty well and I knew I could trust him. I considered him my friend, but this feeling was...  
  
I... I didn't know what...  
  
"Youji... where had you been all day?" I needed to say something, to hear a sound other than our breaths, and I ended asking again the same question. He thighed the bandage around my wrist, but he corrected himself quickly.   
  
"I woke up early. Don't ask me why, Kenken, because I don't know. I can ever imagine what was going throught my head to wake me up before seven. Can you imagine? I'm going to ruin my reputation..." I laughed at his joke. "So, I went for a coffee in a place I know. Cheap coffee, good service. And..." he continued. He was not looking at me, his eyes still focused on the bandage. But he was telling me and I appreciated that.  
  
"And?"  
  
"Time goes by" he shruggred. "I had a walk, I drunk more coffee... I don't know. I took the day for myself, I guess. I had an image to erase from my memory..." he said in a low voice.  
  
"An image? What do you mean?"  
  
"Fighting women, Kenken!" he exclaimed.  
  
"_Schreient_?!!" I asked, bursting out of laughter.   
  
"Yuck! I would have nightmares the rest of my life, I tell you" he said.   
  
"Who could think of Kudou Youji being _scared _of women?"  
  
"I said _fighting women_, Ken-kun, you didn't listen when I talk" He said, shaking his head. "All right, it's done!" he exclaimed after that. He looked at me, smiling, I was laughing quietly. "What about it? Too tigh?"  
  
"It's fine" I said, moving my arm. "Thanks, Yotan."  
  
"You're welcome, little Kenken" he said, tapping my head and ruffling my hair..  
  
"Ken-kun!" Omi's voice sounded very near then, and after a moment the kid entered on the kitchen, panting with excitement. "We should call..." he started to say, but then he looked at Youji. "Oh, Youji-kun, you're already here..."  
  
"What does it happen, Omittchi?" asked Youji.  
  
"I've found them!" exclaimed the kid, with a broad smile. "It was difficult, but I've found _Schreient_! I was going to tell Ken-kun we should call Aya-kun and you..."  
  
"You're great, Omi!" I said. The kid smiled again. Then I turned to Youji and patted his shoulder. "It seems you had to fight with your nightmares, Yotan" I teased. I expected him to laugh and catch my joke, but his face became suddenly serious.  
  
"... a nightmare..." he repeated under his breath.   
  
"Youji?" I asked. He shook his head and looket at me. I was staring at him, I didn't know why his mood had changed. "Are you allright?" I was worried again.  
  
"Me?" he said. He laught and waved a hand towards me. Again, his expresion changed so quickly I could have thought I had imagined it... But this time I was very sure. "Of course I am, Kenken. You're right, we had to face those fighters women... Scary. _Oi_! Omittchi! Call the Ice Prince, would you? Sure he would be pleased we had a mission tonight..."  
  
Omi nodded quickly and dissappeared towards the phone while Youji got up and was ready to follow our younger friend. As he passed by my side, I grabed his arm firmly. He looked at me.  
  
"Are you sure you are allright, Yotan?" I asked again. I didn't like his expresion before.   
  
"_Aa_" he nodded. "You _should_ not worry about me, Ken."  
  
Was it my imagination or that 'should' had sound just like and order? It seemed my mind was playing a lot of tricks on me that day...   
  
"As if I could. You're my friend, Youji" I told him. He looked at me and I could see... something... on his eyes. Whatever it was, it dissapeared quickly, but I could tell there was something...  
  
"You're a nice guy, Kenken" he said with a his lazy smile, and ruffled my hair once more. I rolled my eyes.  
  
"Would you stop doing _that_, please?" I asked.  
  
"Nope" he said, smiling broadly to me as he headed for the mission room. I just sighed and followed him.  
  
Truth was... I didn't want him to stop doing that. I didn't want him to stop being like he was. I didn't want him to stop smiling and joking. God! I didn't even want him to quite smoking! I liked him the way he was. He was my friend. He was the man I cared for. He was the man I...  
  
... the man I...  
  
Oh. My. God.  
  
  
  
  
TBC?  
  
* * *  
**Gara attacks again:** ^_^" I'm not pleased at all with this chapter, dunno why. It's just... I don't know. Anyway... Please tell me what you think? R/R?  
  
BTW, I just want to thank you all for your reviews, but, please, let me thank specially **fei**. Her reviews helped me a lot, because she told me what she felt while she was reading. In fact, that's what I wanted to know, what do you feel (good? sad? do you think "my" Youji is stupid? do you think "my" Ken is idiot? do you think they are out of chara? really?), and compare it with what I wanted you to feel, do you understand? Anyway, thanks for all! Thanks to **Labyrinthine Dolt**, too, I'm pleased you liked the story so much, but your #1 story? It's too much for me! Wow! I can't write about GW, I don't know many things about the series, sorry. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Gara's rambling:** This chapter had been very difficult to write, even if I love writing with Youji (he is my fave, sure you guessed it, do you?). There is angst everywhere. I'm still not sure of what I have done. I think I've just complicate things, but it's the way it should be... Life is complicated, isn't it? Well, I hope you like it.   
  
**Disclaimers:** Youji x Ken; Ken x Youji. Shounen-ai, for now. Angst. Of course, I have not any rights about _ Weiß Kreuz_.  
  
  
  
**Silence**  
  
Chapter 5, _ by Gara_  
  
  
You could think I was lucky. I only had bruises and few burns after our second meeting with _ Schreient_ and the fight against that mad scientist Takatori Masafumi. If you keep in mind the house collapsed over our heads, I should consider myself lucky for my lack of wounds. But I didn't feel so.  
  
My body wasn't my problem after our mission against Schreient. The problem was my mind. You know. Just when you think everything in your life is clear, it all turns around and you find yourself on the ground again. Not a good feeling, if I could give my opinion.   
  
Not a good feeling _ at all_.  
  
Sometimes I wonder why life is so complicate. Sometimes I wonder if someone, high there, really hates me so much. Sometimes I wonder what is wrong with me.   
  
How had I managed to make Ken to fall in love with me? Because he was, I knew it. I saw it in the way he looked at me the day after our first meeting with _Schreient_, the way he worried about me, the way he talked to me, the way he acted when I dressed his arm. I saw it on his eyes, that _something_ that informed me I had become far more important for him that just a simple friend. I thought he realised his own feelings at the end, or he would be soon, because one could not deny love for much time. I was pretty aware of this.   
  
And I was pretty aware I was scared.  
  
Hell, scared to the bone. I know I should be happy. I should be _more_ than happy. Any other person in my very same situation would feel like he owns the world, or something. To be loved by the one you love is the greatest feeling _ ever_. It's like being truly alive, the time before, when this person didn't love you, was grey. Now you see it in full colors. I had felt it before. And I didn't feel this time.  
  
Because I was not _ 'any other person'_. I was Kudou Youji.   
  
I don't know why happiness seems to be forbidden to me. Maybe I didn't deserve it. I knew I didn't deserve Ken. The night before I discovered Ken loved me, I met again my first love. I discovered Asuka was alive; hiding behind the name and the mask of the _ Schreient_ called Neu. Just a quick look to her face when I broke her mask was enough to leave a mark on my mind. Just a little sight of that beloved face and I couldn't sleep that night, that was why I left the house so early in the morning. I wasn't very sure about what I had seen it right then, and I needed to think. I visited old places that brought memories of her to my brain, just to see if those images were the same I had seen the previous night in a flash. 

Man, as if I needed the memories. 

Everything screamed of it: she _ was_ Asuka. I didn't wanted to believe it, for the first time in two years I didn't wanted it. Well... maybe I did, but I wanted to believe I didn't need her right then. I was confused. I didn't wanted to start dreaming or something until I confirmed it. And I did the next night, during our second meeting. I managed to put off her mask.   
  
Her face was the same as always, although her eyes wasn't as alive as before. I couldn't say _ anything_. I couldn't ask _ anything_. And the oportunity flew away when we started to fight against that mad scientist Takatori. Everything was confusing, _I _ was confused. I didn't know how I managed to fight and do things correctly, but we won, the house collapsed over us and we didn't find any trace of _ Schreient_. They could have died, but I wasn't going to believe it. _We _ were alive, we had scaped, why couldn't they? It had happened before. I was not going to give up again, as I did years ago. Asuka was still alive.  
  
Question: What did I feel? Answer: I felt like pure crap. Because my feelings for Ken hadn't changed a little bit. I was feeling the same. Could a man love two people at the same time? A woman and a man? I was sure I loved Ken, I was _sure_! The problem was that I was not very sure if I loved Asuka still or not.   
  
I knew I couldn't forget her, I just couldn't. She had became someway my inner voice, that voice that warns you when you're going to do something wrong. It was her voice I heard saying _ 'Don't drive so fast, Youji'_ or _ 'Don't smoke too much, Youji'_. Since her dead she had become my conscience, the same she was when we worked together. I kept her that way when I lost her. I kept her with me all this time because I loved her and needed her. And now that I loved Ken, now that her image was taking a second place in my heart, now that her voice was fadding in my mind... life turned around and brought to me my past love. I hated my life.  
  
No. I hated myself.   
  
What kind of bastard was I? How could I do that to a person like Ken? How could I be so mean to him? How could I betray him like that? Innocent, pure, truthfull, sweet Ken. How could he love such a bastard like me? He shouldn't. He was blind, I was not good for him. I had warned him. I had asked him to not care for me, but he didn't listen. He didn't listen, ever. And that was another of those details for which I loved him. It was weird, but it was also true.   
  
God. I hated myself.  
  
What was I going to do? I couldn't let Ken to get close to me because if I let him, I would hurt him, and that was the last thing I wanted. If Ken get near me, he would suffer. And he was such a good person he didn't deserved it. He deserved to be happy and find a person which could make him happy... not a person that didn't know what he felt for an old love.  
  
But, if I didn't let Ken near me I was going to lose him. He was not only the man I loved, but my friend, and his friendship meant a lot for me. If I pushed Ken off I would be like... killing a part of me. I would kill a _big_ part of me. It shouldn't matter, because I was supposed to hate myself. The problem was... If I pushed him off, I would hurt him too, because I was also his friend. And nobody wanted to lose a friend.  
  
I just... didn't know.   
  
He deserved to be loved for someone that could be there for him completely, that could make him absolutely happy. And this kind of person was not me. But he didn't deserve to lose a friend... even if I wasn't worth of his friendship.   
  
What could he had seen in me to fall for me? He was blind. I was such a bastard... Such a stupid, selfish, undecisive, worthless...  
  
"You're smoking a lot lately" said a low voice near me.   
  
Late evening and I was sitting in the rooftop, the same I always do when I want to be alone. I jerked, I was so concentrated on hating myself I didn't realise someone was approaching to me. Was old Kudou Youji losing his mighty reflexes? I wished it would be that... but I knew it was not. I didn't looked up. Instead, I looked at the feet that were placed near me, just by the amount of cigarrettes ends I was collecting on the floor. I found tennis shoes and the end of a pair of sport pants.   
  
It could only be him. The person I didn't want to see. The person I longed to see. Why was my life so complicated?   
  
"Evening, Ken."  
  
"It's amazing you could recognize a person for his ankles."  
  
"Not ankles. Tennis. No one but you wear those shoes on this house."  
  
"Guess so" he said. I didn't look at his face, but I could tell he was smiling that sweet smile of his. That was why I didn't look at him. After a long moment, he sighed. "I did some coffee to Aya and me and I just thought that... well..."   
  
With that he showed a blue mug of coffee just in front my eyes. The smell was good and inviting, the same as Ken was, his gesture, his concern... I didn't dare to look at him. I should manage to put my mask on, I should behave like I always did. I need the joker, the funny Youji. Luckily, I wear my glasses with me. They are my wall, my mask, my everything. They are all I need to keep life at arm lenght. I pulled myself together and looked at him, raising an eyebrown.  
  
"Are you telling me that not only you cook but you climbed the stairs with the mug... _safe_?" I asked him, in a mock tone, for which I was relieved. I managed to bring out the funny Youji, I managed to hide my emotions from him. Nor that I wanted to lie him, but protect him.   
  
"You don't have to drink it if you don't want" he said, sounding upset and frowning. He looked so adorable that was a torture.  
  
"Give me that coffee, you _ baka_" I told him, just when he was going to retreat. How could I ever refuse something made by him? I just couldn't. He smiled and gave me the mug.  
  
"You were here for several hours, I thought you would like some..." he said, standing at my side. It took a few minutes until he made the next step. "Can I sit down?" he asked me.   
  
Ken was like an open book for me, he was so truthfull I was able to read his emotions easily most of the time. His innocence, his naivety in some question made him a simple character, and I found it precious. He was not complicated, like me, he had not double-meanings, like me. He was all I wasn't. No doubt I loved him. No doubt. And no doubt his question didn't come easily for him, he had been thinking a lot if he should sit down with me and act as he usually did with me, now that his feelings for me had changed. He should be wondering if he could act as he always did, or wondering if this behaviour would be a lie. He didn't like lies. But life was full of lies...  
  
I took my time to answer, too. It was not easy, because I was tempted to tell him to go away, to retreat, to think again about his feelings, to look at me closely, he should discover the truth on me, I wasn't worth the suffering. I wanted to tell him to go away before it was too late... But I could not.  
  
I knew I had not the right to think about him in those terms, but I needed his presence. I was selfish bastard, at the end. I have always been.   
  
"Sure" I said, taking a ship of my coffee. It tasted good.  
  
He sat down near me, but he was carefull of not touching me. Maybe he didn't know, but it showed a lot about his feelings. He had never been uncomfortable around me. Well, he blushed a lot and this stuff, but he had not avoided physical contact when I teased him, or when we were fighting or quarreling like kids. And then there was a space between us, a gap. It was unnatural, uncomfortable, and I was sure he sensed it the same as I, because he moved a little, a bit unsure.  
  
"_Ne_, Youji..." He wanted badly to break the silence between us; it was something new. We had never felt this need. "Can I ask you something?" All the alarms flashed on my head, but, before I could answer anything, he asked. "Is something bothering you?"  
  
Old Ken. Direct to the subject; he could not be subtle... As always.  
  
Something bothering me? Not really bothering, but yes. He. I was worried for him, for my truthfull friend, for my dear love. I was worried for him because he was worried for me. I was worried for him because I didn't wanted to hurt him and I knew I was not going to be able of avoid it, because I didn't know what I really felt. I was between two people, and I couldn't give up none of them.   
  
"Why do you ask?" I managed to ask.  
  
"I told you. You're smoking a lot lately" he pointed to the cigarrette ends with his index finger. "You only smoke like that when you're worried."  
  
He was a little clumsy and hot-headed, and a block-head sometimes... but sure he was clever when his friends were related. He was such a caring person. I didn't deserve him. He didn't deserve someone like me. Why couldn't he see it?  
  
"_Maaa..._" I said, with my best god-may-care tone. "I'm worried for Omittchi, you know."  
  
"For Omi-kun?"  
  
"_Aa_. The kid is alone on a club... without my advice."  
  
A point for me was I didn't lie to him completely. Omi was actually on a mission. As I had said, he was clubbing alone and of course I was worried about him, although we had him monitorized all time to know where he was at each moment. We should know his position every time, because the kid was a bait on this mission. We were waiting the kid got captured to follow his kidnappers until we found his place. It was the mission and Omi had volunteered to. When I reached the rooftop, hours before, I left Aya and Ken monitorizing Omi. I guessed it was Aya who was taking care of the kid, now.  
  
"Who knows more about night clubs than old Yotan..." commented Ken, with a smile. Damn smile... he was so beautiful... "I'm worried for him, too, but I think he will manage."  
  
"He is clever and he is part of _ Weiß_. Yes, I know" I told him. "But it was a mission made for me." Ken laughed.  
  
"Maybe Manx didn't let you go because she thought you could be distracted easily on a club, Youji" joked Ken. I smiled. I tried hard to put my happy mask before my, but I didn't suceed completely. My gesture lacked happiness... and he noticed. "It was suposed to be a joke, you must reply me and make fun of me... That's how life works."   
  
"Why, Ken?" I told him, recovering my lazy tone quickly. "Clubs are such an interesting places to go. You can meet interesting people there, too. For once, you're right, I will not deny it."   
  
"So, you admit you could be distracted from a mission being on a club? What a bad professional you are!" he protested. "We cannot trust you..." he said, and started to laugh. I just gulped.  
  
It was true. _He_ could not trust me.  
  
"No, you can't" I said under my breath, but he heard me.   
  
"What did you... " he asked, his laugh was instantaneous cut. He looked at me, directly to the eyes... or where he tought my eyes were. I was wearing my shades.   
  
"It's nothing, Ken" I replied quickly.   
  
"Youji... You're not.... like you lately" he said. He was staring at me still, but when I looked down, his eyes parted, his face blushed a little and he bit his lower lip, unease.   
  
People said you're more receptive to the mood of your beloved one. You notice every change on your love, you know when your love is worried, happy or sad, the only thing you need is a short view of his behaviour. The way your love looks, talks, sits, stays and even the way he or she eats. I noticed Asuka's chages easily, and Ken's... they were not complicate people. It seemed Ken could feel mine, as well. It only talked about how close Ken was to me, and it scared me. He was getting too close for his own security. Too close.  
  
I couldn't do that to him.  
  
"What do you mean?" I asked, and I tried to sound upset. Sometimes I want to be able to use Aya's glare. With that, I could have made Ken run away and keep him safe from me.   
  
"Hell, Youji, you know what I mean!" he said. I had forgotten Ken was the direct type of person. "Not only the smoking thing, lately you... seem to be lost... somewhere... I don't know where, but I... I... "   
  
He stopped dead there and blushed furiously. He had said too much, as always, he had talked without thinking. He had said what he thought; for that I also loved him. Sometimes it was a little problem to him, but I found it just beautiful. I was so Ken's that it hurt.  
  
"I... I... don't like seeing you like that" he corrected himself, lowering his head. I looked at him. Even if he had not told me the full truth, he had not lied to me.   
  
God... How could this wonderful person be in love with me? How could he be so blind? It was a mix of different feelings on his face. Worry, anger, friendship, unsureness... but, above all, love. I wanted to be in a different world; in a world I could embrace him and confess my love for him. A world I could be sure I would not hurt him. A world in which I could make myself worth of his love. But I was not. I was in a world of doubts; I could not drag him with me. I could not!!  
  
"Please, Ken... do not worry about me" I told him in a low voice. I wanted my voice to sound sure, like and order, but I failed.   
  
"I can't help it, Youji! I told you!" he said, looking directly at me. "You're my friend! You have been here when I needed you, let me do the same for you!"  
  
What was wrong with me? Why couldn't I enjoy the sensation of a person like Ken being my friend and loving me? I should feel incredible, great, full of life. And all that I felt was guilt. I felt guilty of becoming so important to him without being worth of it. Guilty because no matter how hard I tried, Asuka was still in my memory and my thoughts about her were betrayal to Ken. He didn't deserve it.  
  
"Youji, I..."  
  
_No!_  
  
Nononono, NO! He shouldn't say anything more. He could _not_ say what he was going to say. He could _ not_ be closer to me, I could not let him to. I had to stop him right there. And I had only _ one_ way.   
  
"Asuka is alive" was what I told him.   
  
Three words could broke a heart.   
  
I saw it in the way he cringed over himself, the way he braced his own legs, the way his jaw tensed, the way his eyes shone. He tried hard to hide his emotions and keep them to himself, but he didn't suceed, it was a lost battle for Ken and I knew it. I had to repeat myself a million of times it was necessary, it was for his own good and safety. It didn't work. I felt bad, guilty, dirty and like the big bastard I was.   
  
I was sorry.  
  
"Wh- what?" he asked. It took lot of time he could found his voice, and when he used it, it sounded unsure. "A-Asuka? Alive?" I nodded slowly. "Do you mean... you mean... _your_ Asuka?" Ken's voice sounded totally broken by then.  
  
Those words showed my plan had been perfect, Ken had understood he had nothing to do, and I hoped he would not let himself go closer to me. But I had hurt him, and I had ploclaimed it was the last thing I wanted to.   
  
"Yes, Ken. Asuka."  
  
"But... What... Where?" he didn't know what to ask.   
  
"She was with _ Schreient_."  
  
"_Schreient_?!"   
  
"She is Neu. I broke her mask and see her face. She was Asuka." Ken was going to ask me something, but I was faster. "I'm absolutely sure." I was really surprised of my tone. It sounded neutral and totally sure. I didn't feel like that.  
  
"My God..." he said in a low voice.  
  
His tone was... I didn't know what it was, but it hurt. What was I doing to him? I hurt him. I should believe he was strong enough to take the blow, I knew he was. It was for his own good. Getting close to Kudou Youji brings nothing more that pain. It ocurred to me that there could be a good solution if I let myself fell from the rooftop and hit against the paviment. Easy. No more Kudou Youji. World would be safe. Ken would be safe... but it was the easy way. I'm Kudou Youji, my life should develope in the most complicated way it could be.  
  
"What are you going to do now, Youji?" asked Ken, his voice full of concern.  
  
It was impossible not to love him. Even if he had discover the lost girlfriend of the man he loved, his personal myth, had returned from death, he was still worried about me. It touched me. His gesture broke me down. I stared at the sky, trying to regain my composture.  
  
"That's the problem, Ken" I said, without looking at him. "That's the damn problem, because I don't..."   
  
I couldn't complete the phrase I wanted to say, because I felt Ken's arms arround my neck, pulling me to a embrace. I was paralized. I didn't expected this gesture from him but, again, I forgot he was the impulsive of the four. He did what he felt was correct.   
  
"Why didn't you tell me?" he whispered near my ear. "I'm your friend."  
  
My...  
  
My _ friend_...  
  
He was my friend.  
  
Three words could break a heart. Four could heal another, or get close to.  
  
He was my friend.   
  
Those four words was the only signal I needed to drove in to the embrace. No matter I broke his heart, no matter he loved me, he was still my friend, I was not going to lose him. My arms found their own way and hugged him thighly against me, my hands clunging on his shirt, on his back, my head on his shoulder. It felt so right, I felt so safe that for a moment I forgot Asuka and her face, the only thing that existed was Ken and his arms. I didn't know I needed a embrace so badly, but Ken knew. Ken knew.   
  
He was, above all, my friend.   
  
And for that, when I felt his right hand reached up to my hair, I broke the contact. As much as I wanted to stay like this forever, I had long ago taken my resolution to keep him as a friend, to protect him from me. If he kept hugging me, I was going to lose my resolution and confess my love for him, and it was not what I wanted. I just wanted to protect him from me.   
  
"Why didn't you tell me, Yotan?" he asked again. I was relieved he used my nickname.  
  
"I didn't want to worry you."  
  
"You didn't make a good job, then" he said, almost smiling. "If you needed to talk to someone... anytime..."  
  
"You're a nice guy, Kenken" I told him and, almost unconsciously, I ruffled his hair. He rolled his eyes.  
  
"Stop _ that_!" he shouted, and he only suceed on making me smile. I had a smile in return. "I'm serious, Youji. If you need to talk... I know I'm not very clever, but if you explain me slowly, maybe..."  
  
"_Baka_. You are my best friend, Hidaka" I cut him. He blushed and looked at me, wide eyed. Beautiful. Just beautiful. "You must be, you have my life in your hands, Ken."  
  
"What?" he asked, puzzled. Then, he remembered our little talk about terror films characters and started to laugh, same as me. "Oh, yes I have!"   
  
"See?"  
  
"Yeah, I see. I see you're behaving like you again" he said, with a happy little smile. I was relieved I didn't blush so easily, because I could feel the heat on my cheeks. "It was about time..."  
  
"_Balinese_. _ Siberian_." Aya stern voice could be heard on the rooftop. He both turned to the door that leaded to the house and found our red-headed leader, katana in hand and perfectly dressed on his mission outfit. "_Bombay_' signal is moving" he said seriously.  
  
"They got him?" I asked, getting on my feet quickly. Ken imitated me and Aya just nodded.  
  
"_Iku_" he said, turned around and dissapearing. We followed him quickly; we were yet dressed on our outfits, so the only thing we should do was taking the cars.  
  
"_Ne_, Youji... feeling better?" asked Ken suddenly, before we leave the rooftop.  
  
Was I feeling better? I still loved him and I didn't know what I felt for Asuka... or what I was going to do. But I had one thing clear. Ken was still my friend.   
  
That was enough.  
  
"Much better, Kenken. Thanks."  
  
He just smiled and nodded. He iluminates my life... even if he could only be my friend.   
  


TBC?  
  
  
**Gara is here again: ** I told you, I don't know what I've done. I was listening _Mellow Candle _when I started to write. Yeah, the song. I love it, you know. Shinichirou's voice sounds to me quite... broken on this song, although what he is saying is beautiful (or at least it is on my translation). I couldn't help but 'hearing' Youji saying all the things he thought on this chapter with that tone. It sounded good... althought I don't know if they're good. I feel I'm going in circles about the same thing, again and again and again and again. Does it sound as stupid as I think it sounds? ^_^;; I just thought it would be beautiful Ken returned the favour to Youji; Youji helped Ken to see he has friends in the first chapter. Now it's Ken's turn... althought for Ken it's a bit more complicated. Hope I didn't deceive you, please tell me what you think. Woa! What a rambling we have here, uh? I'm done.  
  
Thanks for the reviews, thanks to all. As always, **fei**, ** Rinchan** (**Labyrinthine Dolt**), ** Natharell**... You don't know how much you helped me... Hope you like this too, although I don't like it very much. :( 

BTW, can I ask for a beta reader that could correct my _**awful**_ English? 


	6. Chapter 6

**Gara's rambling:** This chapter is for Aoi-san, my beta-reader and corrector, who is working without any break on Chapter 1. Meanwhile, I continue my writting. As Aoi-san is is a great fan of Kenken, I feel a Ken's POV could be apropiate to dedicate her, so here it is :) Aoi-san, I know I should have mail you this, but I wanted to surprise you. I hope I suceed! Anyway, this chapter it's large, the largest I've wroten so far (well, I haven't wroten very much, in fact). But sometimes fulfill a promise is not easy... and promises are meant to keep them. Hope you all enjoy it!

**About the fic:** Yaoi (well, shonen ai for now); YxK/KxY No rights about _Weiß Kreuz_.

SILENCE 

Chapter 6 

_by Gara _

I was in love with my best friend.

It took me a little to accept it. It was not easy. I had always thought of myself as straight, I had never been atracked to boys in a romantic way and... Hell, it was Youji who I was talking about, damn it! He had been no more than a friend for me all this time, for two years and a half, and then, suddenly, I started to feel different for him. The friendship had grown into something more step by step and I had never realised it until then, when it hit me with full force. God, and to thought I believed I was in love with Yuriko... How wrong I was. You don't know what love means until you find the right person. And my right person was Kudou Youji. My companion. My friend. My love.

And also the absolutely straight, playboy extraordinary, Kudou Youji. No more. No less. 

You know, I could look like it sometimes, but I'm not stupid. I knew I had not any chance with Youji. I knew it since the beginning, since the very first moment I realized I loved him. First, I was not his type of person, I was not sexy, I was not interesting and I was not even handsome. I was just 'Kenken', awfully clumsy, not very clever, boy-next-door. I was not like the hot bombshells he usually dated. And there was the second fact. I was not a girl. And Youji loved women.

The problem was not I didn't want to be a girl, because I didn't want. The actual problem was I _was_ a dreamer. A believer. Even when my head told me Youji would never look at me in the way I wanted, my heart incessantly asked me _why_ not he would think about me as more than a friend, if I had thought of him like it. For a person that hardly ever uses his brain and usually uses his heart, like me, it was very difficult to stop dreaming Youji could love me in return. Well, maybe I was stupid after all. I couldn't help it. 

I couldn't do anything but love Youji. How could I? He had showed me the deep person he was, he had showed me the good friend he was. He made me to trust him, to want his company, to laugh by his side even if I felt like dying. He also made me blush constantly and he always kept ruffling my hair, but it was not the case. And it was like a little tradition between us, or something like that, after all. Nor that I was going to accept it out loud, of course. 

I loved Youji. I loved the intelligent side that made him receptive, deep and even mysterious. I loved the stupid side that made him just plain funny. I loved the joker side that made him so sure and a constant teaser, and the sad side, which I had discovered later, that made him vulnerable. I loved all his sides because they made him the wonderful person he was. I loved him.

And he... didn't love me.

When he told me Asuka was alive I felt I couldn't breathe. Oh, man. _His_ Asuka. The same woman he had told me about, his first true love. Well, I knew I had not any chance, but it hurt to hear it so suddenly. I felt a pain in my heart, like a needle. No matter what I try, I could not compete with her. Any chance I had flew away in the very same moment Youji said those words. It hurt like Hell. It hurt so much that I thought I was not going to be able to stand it. But when I looked at him, I obliged myself to be.

When I looked at Youji I thought he was close to tears. Maybe it was my imagination again, playing tricks on me, but I had never seen Youji so sad, I had never heard his voice so low, I had never sensed his tone so unsure. I had never seen him so vulnerable. And it hurt me even more. People usually said you were hurt when your love is suffering. I could tell it's absolutely true. 

It hurt me to see him so confused and so lost. He didn't know what he was going to do, and I could understand why even if he had not the chance to tell me, because I cut his words when I embraced him. It was the only thing I managed to do. I suddenly thought about what he had told me at Yuriko's, about the impossibility to love for us... and then I remembered it was Asuka what we were talking about, not a girl he had met two days ago. _Asuka_. The woman that sacrificed for him, the woman he couldn't protect once, the woman who had been in his memory for two years and a half. His true love, the love he had lost when he was a normal person. When he talked about Asuka, his voice became so sweet, so happy... memories from the past.

What could he do now that his life had changed too much? Should he look for her, pretending to be the same Youji he was? Would she understand if he tell her what he had become? And... What if she never return to his former self? Because she was a _Schreient_, I didn't know how, but she was. She could had been brainwashed, or she could lost her memory, or whatever. Truth was, she was not the Asuka Youji knew, even if the body was the same. What if she never recover? He should give up a dream he had maintained since he lost her. And to give up a dream was difficult, I knew it. I had to give up many of them.

So, I hugged him, pretending to show him with my gesture everything was going to be fine and he could count on me, because no matter what happened I was going to be his friend. I was going to be there, the same he had been always for me. I thought he understood when he hugged me back closely, embracing me like I was his anchor at that moment, or something to clung on to keep him still. The feeling was good, he was so warm, and so precious. I felt happy for being able to help him, and happy for myself, because Youji had accepted my friendship. 

And I was happy to have him so close to me, it would be a moment I would treasure forever, because I understood right then I was not going to be more than a friend for him. No matter I loved him and I should give up another dream, his friendship was important for me, and I preferred to be his friend than to be nothing for him. And, when he told me I was his best friend, I knew I was right. Better that than nothing.

Better that than nothing. I knew it would be difficult and it would hurt a lot, but I didn't care at the moment. The same I didn't care after it, because, luckily or not, I hadn't much time to think about my new relationship with Youji, because both of us were more worried about Omi than ourselves. 

Things developed really fast. One day the kid discovered something about his past, his kidnapping (at the end Youji told me to understand all things... it was not a secret anymore) and the next life told him he was one of those infamous Takatori. He had to bear with the fact his father was the greatest son of a bitch ever known, and one of his brother was plain mad. He had to bear with the gilt of pointing us with a gun to let his brother escape from us, even if he know his brother was crap. He had to bear with Aya regret, that had transformed again on friendship -or whatever it was the word Aya used for- once Omi had refused to be one of the Takatori. He had to bear again with the guilt when he killed his own brother, even if him had tortured Omi to know where _Weiß_ were. The kid had been loyal to us. 

It was Omi, after all. 

But the worse was only going to come. Just when he started to fall for Ouka, with the sweet feelings of the first love, he discovered she was his sister. And then _Schwartz_ screwed up it all, because they killed the girl. He died in Omi's arms. God, life could be such a Hell. Omi didn't deserve to suffer anymore. He had suffered enough in his life, and he was only seventeen. But I didn't know what to do. 

I only saw him walking from home to school, and then back, like he was a ghost. Nothing about the _genki_ we usually known, no smiles, no bright eyes. Nothing. No Omi. He had me so worried that the fake _Weiß_, those who had stolen our identities and entered in an army storage, were in a second place for me. And not only for me.

"I don't know if I could even walk if I was him" I told Youji once. We were alone in the shop. I didn't know were Aya was, but Omi was on his bedroom, like he usually did lately. He wanted to be alone and I couldn't stand it.

"I don't know, either" he said. His green eyes were behind the shades, but the short glimpse I had of them showed they were as worried than mine. "I can't believe he is the same Omittchi as always."

"He is not, Youji" I told him. "We must do something... I can't see him that way. We _must_ cheer him up, or something." He smiled lazily at me.

"He didn't want to be cheered up, Ken" he said after it, breathing out the smoke he had on his lungs. He was smoking, taking the opportunity than Aya and his katana were out of town. "Not now, at least."

"How do you know?" I asked him.

"I just know."

"That's not an answer, Youji."

"Yes it is. You asked and I answered, simple."

"You know what I mean!" I protested, punching him on the shoulder. I like the fact I didn't feel uncomfortable with him, even if my feelings hadn't change a little bit. I could act with him the same I always did.

"_Yare, yare_" he said, lazily again. I just love that tone on him, it sounded like it had everything under control, and I needed to believe that. 

"_Baka_."

"Omittchi doesn't want to talk right now. He wants to keep things for him, and if we try to force him, he would be mad at us. Do you want an angry Omi?"

"_Masaka_... Does it exist an angry Omi?" I asked, raising an eyebrow, pretending to joke, even if I didn'r feel like. Again, Youji flashed his lazy smile.

"It exists a sad Omittchi" he told me, and I nodded. We had discovered lately.

"Maybe you are right" I passed a hand through my hair. "You know, Youji, it's just that..."

"You can't see your friends suffering" he ended for me. I nodded. "I know."

"It hurts me."

"I know."

"You know so many things, I think" I told him. He smiled, and this time was more brilliant, so I could expect the answer was going to be...

"I know."

I knew it, too. I couldn't help but laugh. That was. You could laugh with him even if you didn't feel like it. 

"I hate you..." I told him. I just loved him for that. 

"No more than I hate you, Kenken. You kept me here, in the shop. The _Koneko_ it's dead" he said, taking another drag from his cigarette, which was dying on his hand. "Let's close it."

"We can't."

"Oh, come on, Kenken. People is worried about those terrorist that had stolen our name. They are not comming here to buy _flowers_, you know. And there's not Aya to complain" he said, with his best convincing tone. "Besides, you need to go out. Why don't you go to the park, to play soccer or something? You need not to think."

"What do you mean with _'not to think'_?"

"I mean to play soccer."

"_Nani_?! Say it again!"

"I mean to play soccer."

"You're are supposed to not say it, you know" I frowned, pretending to sound angry. "You're very mean."

"And for that you should go out to play soccer and let me close the shop?" he asked me. I laughed.

"Yotan, you are the oldest of the two. You're supposed to be the... Ok. Forget it, I was going to say _ 'responsible'_ but this word sound like sin related to you" I told him, with a smile.

"You... you... _Hidoi_..."

"You asked for it" I laughed even more. He was right, after all. I needed to go out and thought about anything not related to Omi. Nor that I didn't want to think about him, I just wanted to clear my mind and then, when I thought about Omi again, be ready. "Let's close."

"That's my Kenken!" he said, smiling and patting my head. 

"Yeah..." I said, with a sigh. _ His_ Kenken? I wish I would. "'A death Ken, if you know what I mean."

"Aya would never found about it."

"I hope you keep your word."

"I hope you keep _yours_." He was talking about Manx, and I couldn't help but start laughing, hard. Now we had a draw. He had my life on his hands, the same I had his. I just nodded. 

So, we closed the _Koneko no Sumu Ie_ early that afternoon. Youji decided to stay at home a little while I decided to go to the park to play soccer. I was lucky, because there were some of my kids there, trying to play a game. They were happy to see his Ken_ no niichan_ at last, I had disappeared lately, and I was happy they gave me a excuse to forget all that had happened those days, and enjoy the simple fact of a soccer match with kids. I've never been a complicated person.

I liked kids and being surrounded by them. Their enthusiasm is infectious and also his happiness. They always try their best on what they are doing, and they give all that they have to do things correctly. They always say what they think, no matter what it is. It's true that they are sometimes cruel, evermore with other kids, but they are not so mean as grown-ups. They use their lies for conceit in front of other children, or for covering their pranks. They don't lie to cover behind their lies, like grown-ups. And all children are the same; no matter their sex, the color of their skin of their language. All kids enjoy the same: being loved. From their parents, their friends, their teacher. Whatever. They are easy to satisfy, you only have to treat them with the respect they deserve and demonstrate you care about them, and then, they trust you. Being trust is just beautiful. 

So, I really enjoyed the match. Their cries, their angry faces when they didn't score or when they had a goal against them. But, on the end, they all were enjoying, they were happy, and I needed to see and be surrounded for happiness instead bad feelings, guilt and regret. 

If only Omi could enjoyed it as much as I did... I could bring him to the park and showed him he had friends still, just like Youji had showed me when I felt depressed. If only I could show him that even us could enjoy life sometimes, although we didn't deserve it very much. Life could be beautiful in its simplicity, you can treasure a simple moment, like fastening the shoes of a kid while he was telling you he was happy because he was going to go to his grandma house to dinner after the match, because it was her birthday. It made me smile and be happy for him. 

If only I could share it with Omi to drag him of his dark hole. If only I could cheer him up just like Youji did with me...

"_Ne, _Ken_ no niichan_, do you want me to bring you some of the birthday cake?" asked the kid. I was helping him to fasten his shoes, he was still little to do it for himself. "_Bachan_ told me she was going to make a big chocolate one!"

"Chocolate?" I asked, smiling at his smiling face. He nodded.

"Do you like chocolate, Ken _no niichan_?"

"Of course I do, Makoto-chan! But you don't have to. Your grandma did it for you, so it's you who had to eat it!" Nor that I didn't want a piece of cake... it sounded good, but I didn't know if I was going to see the kid for a while. "You have to eat it all."

"_Ontou_? All?" he asked. I nodded. "Well, my _neechan_ would help me!"

"Sure she will" I said to him, ruffling his hair. "And now, go... they have the ball now!" I pointed to a group of kids that were fighting for the ball to score. 

"_Hai_!" he said, and started to run. I couldn't help but keep smiling, following Makoto-chan with my eyes until he joined his team to help them. 

But the sky darkened, from bright blue to deep violet and soon it was time for children to return home with their families. We had spent all afternoon playing without realizing it, I was so involved on the game, even if I was not playing, that I forgot everything around. And there were so much to see. People had gathered around the field to see the match and I had not noticed it. Only then, when they stood up to go home, I realized how much people there were. I saw children crying they wanted to play too, young boys and girls talking about what team was better, parents with their children, and pairings talking about the game and the cute children playing. I put my hands on my hips and smiled broadly, it was good a soccer match could be appreciated by Youji. 

Youji? 

Did I say _Youji_?

Yes, I did. He was also there, with his inseparable sun glasses and a cigarrette on his mouth. He was resting his back against a tree in that lazy style of his own, cladded on black shirt and trousers that matched him just perfectly, bringing out his fair hair. That was precisely what a group of young girls were talking about right behind me. I could understand them, sure Youji knew how to show himself. He wavered a hand towards me when he noticed I was staring at him, and approached. 

I was _staring_ at him. I blushed. I had _never_ stared at him, I had never noticed the way his clothes fit him perfectly, or the way his lanky figure moved when he walked... 

But now...

"Evening, Ken" I heard him saying, and I had to shook myself to wherever I had been. He was talking to me. "Are you thinking on the game still or what, Kenken?" he asked, poking me on my forehead with his index finger. "Thinking about those little brats still?"

"Don't call them that" I told him, slapping his hand out quietly. 

"Touchy, touchy" he said. "You should go out more often and train those children" he continued, tilting his head to one side slightly and looking at me. "You seemed to enjoy it very much, like you were in the right place all time."

He was talking seriously. I shouldn't had been surprised for his receptiveness, it was one of his gifts, but it was a wonder how much he had approached to the truth. It was the way I had felt during all the match; I felt contented, like I was in the right place at last. How much time did he spent looking at us? Did he see the truth in a mere sight or he need more time? How much did he know me if he had been able to see that desire on me? 

"It... fits you" he ended, with a smile that brought me to reality again. I gave him a smile in return. I liked the idea, to work with children and to teach them; and maybe Youji knew I liked it.

"Children are amazing" I managed to say.

"Sure. For you" he said, taking a gap of his cigarrette. "To work with them you need a great amount of patience... It's a task made for you, Ken, not for me."

"It's not so difficult, sure you can do it if you try..."

"Well, I live with you, at the end, and I've survived..."

"_Oi_! Look who is talking about!" I said, crossing my arms and frowning. Youji laughed at my words. "Besides, what is wrong if I am a child sometimes?" 

"Did I ever say it was something wrong, Kenken?" he asked me, a mixture of middle joke and seriousness in his tone. 

I gulped. What he had just said meant he didn't find anything wrong in the way I acted sometimes, even if I was a little childlike. His smile was so warm... I felt gratitude because he was wearing his shades. If he had looked at me with his green eyes with the same tenderness he had smiled at me, sure I had melted right there.

"Whatever" I said, feeling the need of changing the subject. "What were you doing here, Youji? Taking a walk? Waiting for a date?" I ventured. He seemed to think.

"It's a beautiful place to, now that your mention it, but no" he told me. He throw the end of the cigarette to the floor and stepped on it. "In fact, I was looking for you."

"F-for me?" I asked. He nodded. I didn't let my mind to start to play tricks on me, or my heart to dream. "I can return home for my own, Youji, believe me" I joked. 

"No comments" he said, following the joke. Before I could complain, he continued. "But that's not the matter. We had a mission."

"Mission?" I went ready at the moment. "Did Manx..."

"Easy, Ken, easy" Youji weaved a hand to me. "It's a mission of my own."

"Of your own?" I asked, puzzled. "I don't understand."

"I know. Come on, Ken. I've parked out" he said, inviting me to walk with him. "I'll explain you while walking."

"Just a minute" I said. Youji waited until I finish to collect my bag and things from the floor, and we headed towards Youji's car. "Ok. Shoot" I told him.

"I had a vision, Ken" he said. I stared up at him.

"A what? You said vision?" I laughed. "It sounds pretty mystical for you, Youji." 

"_Oi_! I could be mystic sometimes!" he protested.

"Sure. As mystic as my soccer ball" he frowned, but I knew he wasn't angry at all.

"You wounded me" he said. "Anyway. I had a vision. I saw Omi on the kitchen. Well, in fact it wasn't actually a vision, you know, because Omi was _really_ in the kitchen looking for something to drink..." he explained after it. So, that was his kind of 'vision'. He was impossible. "I didn't like his eyes" he confessed, turning serious suddenly. I had learnt that expression on him was important; he had seen something very wrong.

"What do you mean?"

"I didn't like his eyes _at all_, Ken" he repeated. "There were... Dark. They didn't spark, it was like they weren't alive." I could see by his expression the vision was not comfortable to him.

"And you're worried." He nodded. "I thought you said..."

"I've changed my mind. Omi needs help. Badly." This time it was me who nodded. "So, _Siberian_, we have a mission. Target: Omi Tsukiyono. Mission: Cheer him up" he announced, seriously. And then, with that wonderful mischief expression of his, he winked to me. I had to repress the sudden need of hugging him close to me, for being so caring, so tender and so... so... damn good friend. I could only smile broadly to him, and he understood my own version of a nod. "Besides, I made him a promise, _ne_?" he asked.

"Yes, you did. Film and popcorns?" I asked.

"Film and pizza, I'm hungry. And I don't want you complaining about being near or not the microwave" he said. I punched him on the shoulder and he smiled. "I need you to help me to choose a film..."

"Ok. Let's go, Yotan."

Youji drove _Seven_ fast from the place we rent the film, where we didn't need many time to chose it, to the fast food restaurant we use to ask for food. Sitting comfortably on the seat beside Youji while he was driving, with the pizza on my lap and the film secure on my bag, I was feeling good. I was hungry and a little tired, but I was feeling quite good. I had spent a lot of time with Youji, planning our 'mission' and joking all the way, enjoying his company and the person he was, and the idea of going to help our young friend. I had a warm feeling in my heart. I wanted Omi to feel it, too.

We arrived home sooner I had expected, but, again I had to remind myself it was _ Seven_ the car we used and Youji the driver. Nor that he wasn't a good driver, but sure he knew how to drive his car and he was _fast_.

"Where do you think he is?" I asked. Youji had opened the door and we entered, my friend left the keys on the first place he found, as he always did, only to complain when he needed them because he coulndn't remember where he put them. Youji took the pizza from my hands and I could carry the cans and the rest of the stuff we bought. 

"On his bedroom, I guess."

"What do you suggest?" 

"Direct assault" he said, pointing the stairs with his head. His hair waved a little. "Come on."

He started to climb the stairs directly to Omi's room and I followed him. I wondered what he was going to say if he wanted Omi to open his door, and even his heart to us. But, on the other hand, I was pretty sure that if someone could do it, it was Youji. Before I could realize it, we were upstairs.

"Ready?" he asked me in a low voice without taking any step.

"Yes, I am. How are you going to enter?" I asked.

"I have a big idea" he said, smiling. "Sure you're ready?" I nodded. "Fine. Omi!" he shouted. "Omi, quick! Ken is using the microwave!!" he screamed. 

My eyes opened wide, but his long fingers were on my mouth before I could protest. I couldn't speak, so I concentrated on glaring at him. He smiled like a bad child and I felt my cheeks reddening. Damn it! I was supposed to be mad at him!

"_NANI_?" Omi's door opened inmidiatly and our little friend rushed out from his bedroom only to find us waiting for him on the stairs. "Youji-kun? Ken-kun?"

"_Sur-pri-se_!" screamed Youji, with his horrible English. He showed Omi the pizza he carried. "Old Yotan and good Kenken brought dinner! Let's party!"

Omi looked at us, at first puzzled, then he frowned and tried to retreat to his bedroom.

"I'm not in the mood for parties" he said in a low voice.

"Omi, you're not going to find the solution hiding behind that door" said Youji. His voice sounded so serious and so tender at the same time that it made you to listen to him. Omi turned around and looked at him. 

"Youji-kun, you don't know..." 

"You're wrong, Omi. I _know_" he said before Omi could complete what he was going to say. "_Both_ of us do" he added, pointing to me. 

Omi's eyes opened wide, as he had understood something vital. And it was. Even I could follow Youji's words. He was talking about Asuka and... and Kaze. No matter I had killed him at the end, I had thought for many years my best friend had died because of me, because he had tried to help me. No matter that it was a lie at the end, I had thought it and I knew perfectly what was to live with the feeling of losing someone you cared for. And for Youji... He had seen Asuka's body collapsing right in front of him, even if he had discovered recently she was alive, he had been living for two years and a half with the idea his love had died and he couldn't do anything to save her. The feeling of lost was the very same, and Omi realized it. 

"Omi, nothing will change what happened, and I know it's not easy to accept and live with it. But you had to. It's difficult and it would be for ever present in your heart, but you _had _to, or you will be crazy." He sounded like he was talking about himself... but it echoed what I felt too. That was why those words were really precious, because they were sincere, and we all had felt just like it in the past. "Doing it alone is possible, but it's hard, slow and even more difficult, and you could end being like me" he said. Omi was going to say something, and I was going to, too, but Youji didn't let us when he continued. "Please, Omi, don't be. In the very moment you find you can't stand anymore or you can't manage it... I want you to know you are not alone, Omi. You're never alone, _never again_." 

His tone was so sincere the kid was looking at him with his big blue eyes full of tears. I was glad they were so busy talking between them that they didn't notice I was nearly drooling over Youji. I liked how his voice sounded, the way he said the kid we were his family by telling him he was not alone and the way he approached to Omi. He had put a hand on Omi's shoulder, like he was saying 'I'm here', and he was giving his advice like a big brother, not like a father. And advice, not an order, and Omi had the right to chose.

"Youji-kun!"

And he did when he launched himself towards Youji, putting his arms around the lanky figure of our older teammate. The kid was crying, letting go all that he had inside his heart out at last. Youji put his free arm around Omi's shoulders and stayed still, with the pizza envelope in the other hand. I approached to them slowly and Youji looked at me. He wasn't wearing his glasses, and his eyes looked... There was sadness on his gaze, but also happiness because the kid was giving up his loneliness. I smiled shyly at him, while I repressed the urge to say him that, for things like those, I loved him. 

"You can count on us, Omi." I found my voice at last. Omi raised his head from Youji chest and looked at me, giving me a little smile I returned. "You knew it, do you?"

"_Hai_, Ken-kun. But..." he left Youji embrace and rubbed his nose, wiping off the tears. "I didn't know... I just..."

"You're confused, Omittchi. Nothing wrong with it" Youji said, ruffling the kid's hair with his free hand.

"I just don't understand... Ouka-san is... was... Takatori's daughter. How can he..." he started to ask, but he couldn't. "What kind of person am _I_ if I'm one of his..."

"I already told you" sounded a voice behind us. Aya was climbing the stairs. "You're Tsukiyono Omi." 

Aya's voice sounded as plain as ever, but it was beautiful to heard it from him. The reassurance was important for Omi and, even if Aya could be de _'Ice Prince'_, as Youji called him once, sure he understood Omi's origin had nothing to do with the real Omi. The kid was looking to our leader with bright eyes full of content.

"But..." started Omi.

"No more _'buts'_, kiddo, or Aya would start to use that katana of his. Say you would, Aya." The red-head looked indifferently at him, but it didn't matter to Youji. "See? He would" said Youji, and I had to smile. The joker had returned. "No more _'buts'_, just say pizza, Omittchi!"

"Pizza?" asked Omi, puzzled.

"Yeah, say pizza. Pepperoni, your fave" Youji said. "Aaand... Show him, Kenken."

I opened my bag and took the film. I handed it to Omi, who looked at it and then... understood. His eyes were full of tears again. 

"_Minna_..." he said. "But... I've to go to school tomorrow..."

"I think he has a fever" Youji said, touching Omi's forehead. "What do you think, Kenken?" 

I repeated Youji's gesture and decided that, for once, I was going to lie. It was harmless.

"Yeah, pretty bad fever you had, Omi-kun!" I said. Omi' smile widened. "You cannot go to school like this! You should rest!"

"Yes, you should rest watching this film with us!" said Youji, pushing the boy downstairs. "_Star Wars: A New Hope._" I could swear his English was even worse than mine, at least his pronunciation.

"Why _Star Wars_?" asked Omi.

"Youji wanted to see his cousin, Chewacca..." I told him. Omi laughed at last and Youji frowned at me. "What? You're tall and the tone of your hair is almost the same..." I joked. 

"_Hidoi_" was his answer, and I laughed. "Although _Chewie_ is a good guy, I have to tell you I'm the reincarnation of the charming Han Solo" he said immediately matter-of-factly. I agreed with that, but I was not going to accept it so easily.

"I think Han Solo is cool" said Omi.

"See what I told you?" asked Youji. But, just when he was starting to follow Omi and me downstairs, he paused and looked at Aya. "_Ne_, Aya? Are you going to join us or not?" he asked. The redhead simply raised an eyebrow. 

Aya didn't move a simple muscle from where he was. I could see how the older members of our group looked at each other. I wondered what Aya saw on Youji's eyes, or what Youji told him with his green gaze but, at the end, our leader relaxed a little. 

"Start without me" said Aya at the end, and he followed Youji downstairs only to disappear on the kitchen. 

"Is he going to join us?" asked Omi. He seemed to be delighted with the idea of the four of us sharing an evening together. So was I.

"Seems so" said Youji, who had left the pizza on the coffee table and was fighting with the video. He always said the machine only worked when Manx was present. "Come on! Live at my command!" screamed Youji, as he was summoning the video recorder. Omi and me started to laugh, sitting on the couch. "That is!" he exclaimed, when it started to work. "Yotan one, video-bitch zero."

"The _Force_ is powerful on you, my friend" I said. He turned to me and smiled, and I felt like melting. 

"You _baka_" Omi said, laughing, while Youji took his place just between us. I smiled. 

"We should buy a DVD, you know" said Youji, taking a can of soda and opening it to drink. For once, he was not drinking beer. I took my opportunity and take a piece of pizza, my companions imitated me. "Aya! Go faster or the pizza would be done without you!" he screamed. On the TV we could seen the titles. 

"Pizza is not food" said Aya, returning from the kitchen. The mug on his hand gave off a smell of black coffee. He sit down on an armchair at the side.

"You know, Omi. Everyone of us have our little secret. Ayan didn't know how to eat pizza..." said Youji. It never ceased to wonder me how could he dare to talk Aya like this... and how Aya could stand it. The redhead replied a _'Hn.'_ and just stared at the screen. "Kenken has pink underwear..."

"I have _not_!" I protested feeling like blushing. Omi laughed hard. "I have not pink underwear, you _ baka_!"

"Nothing to be ashamed for, Kenken" replied Youji, with a smile, ruffling my hair.

"Stop _that_!" 

"Silence" Aya said.

"... because here it comes Darth Vader, _ne_?" said Youji, looking directly at Aya. He didn't noticed, I thought, but I could catch the implication on Youji's words. I tried hard not to laugh. Omi was just feeling happy to be just there.

"What about you?" I asked Youji in a whisper. He looked at me and raised one elegant eyebrow, not understanding. "What's your secret? If I'm _supposed_ to have pink underwear, then you..."

"My sides are very ticklish" he said, and I had the sudden need to check it. "And now, be quiet because Leia is just going to... there! Man. This girl is great for sure."

"_Nani_?" both Omi and me asked, puzzled. 

Leia was farthest to be the model for the women Youji dated. She was not hot, she was not a bombshell, she was short and she wasn't ever beautiful... pretty maybe, but not beautiful. And she was short tempered.

"What? She remind me of..." he started to explain, but then he looked at me briefly before his attention returned to the screen. "Never mind."

"Who, Youji-kun?" asked Omi. Youji sighed and something hit me. Could it be... Asuka?

"Come on, she is a princess. What guy on the Earth haven't dream of it? Besides, she is rich" he told us. Omi and me started to laugh again.

"You sound like Han Solo!" Omi pointed.

"I _told_ you."

The film went between jokes and comments, it was really funny. Youji told us he thought I was like Luke Skywalker, because he was at first as hot-headed than me, remark I didn't take very well and I replied telling him I still believe he was more like Chewacca than Han Solo. We compared even Aya with Kenobi, just because he used very well the light saber. But the best thing was when Youji compared Omi with R2D2, because he was _chibi_, and very clever, he added, when Omi pouted and started to protest. Of course, Omi had a reply of his own. He told Youji he was just like C3PO, because he was a big mouthed and he couldn't stop talking. But, as much as Youji protested and complained, I knew he was laughing inside as well. We cheered the Revels on during the last battle, and we celebrate every Imperial that fell during the confrontation. It seemed we were watching a soccer match more than a film, but Youji had started it with his _'eat it, you jackass!'_ when Han and Luke defeated those Imperials that went after the _Millennium Falcon_.

I laughed a lot that evening, so did Omi, his sadness totally forgotten. I even took a short look to Aya and he was nearly smiling. And, of course, Youji didn't stop to joke one minute and we didn't mind to follow his comments. I had started to ask myself if you could watch a film with Youji without ending laughing hard, even if it was a drama. 

For me, it ended early, no matter what. I wanted it to last, maybe not forever, but just a little more. I was enjoying the presence of my three companions, my three friends. I was feeling like I was part of something big. I was seeing Omi feeling happy and being himself again, and, above all, I was with Youji. I was seeing him laughing, smiling and joking, and I could appreciate the warm bright his eyes were leaking. He was shinning right before me, he was attracting all my attention, I couldn't apart my eyes from him. Now, I was really staring at him, and I couldn't help it.

Because I loved him. And it was getting very difficult to me not to tell him, being the direct kind of person I am. It was more and more difficult.

We cleaned the living-room as better as we could. It was late and Omi was obviously sleepy, but with a content smile on his face. Aya seemed tired, too, he had been out all day, maybe in the hospital with his sister. But none of them complained and helped to tidy the room up. 

"If you've laughed with this, you should try to watch '_Spaceballs'_" said Youji as we all went upstairs.

"_'Spaceballs'_?" asked Omi. I looked at Youji, too. Aya raised a red eyebrown.

"Yeah. A parody about '_Star Wars'_" explained our lanky friend. He chuckled. "It's really silly. Picture this: Yoda's name is _Yoghurt_..." we started to laugh. "I'm going to rent it as fast as I can."

"It will be great, Youji-kun" said. "All this evening was... I... I can't say how much I..."

"You don't need to say anything, Omi" I said. The kid looked at me and smiled.

"Thank you, Ken-kun" he simply said. "Youji-kun, Aya-kun..." Youji ruffled Omi's hair and Aya just nodded once.

"Go to sleep, _bishonen_" said Youji. Omi nodded.

"_Oyasumi nasai_" he said. He smiled again and disappeared on his room. 

"Good night" Aya said, too, and he closed his door on his back before any of us could say to him he had been very nice staying for Omi just for one evening.

"It was a great gesture from you, Aya" I whispered, nonetheless. 

"Indeed." 

Youji brushed a hand against my shoulder briefly, before he continued heading for his bedroom, yawning and stretching lazily. His gesture had been great, too, all his behavior that evening had been great. So, I couldn't help it. 

I suddenly put my arm round his waist and rested my head on his back, inhaling deeply as I pressed him against me. Sure he had a lanky figure, but he was also muscular, I could feel it through his clothes. He was warm and he smelt good, it was a mixture of things that screamed his name, and had you longing for more of him. 

"Ken?" 

He froze, I took him out of balance. I realized after the brief moment on which I had touched Heaven. I should retreat if I didn't want him being mad at me, but in the moment I was ready to go, he sighed and relaxed. Youji's hands covered mine for an instant, and he squeezed them a little. Maybe it was nothing more than a friendly gesture, but I could feel my heart was going to leap from my chest.

"Ken..."

"Mmmm?"

"I am... You are..." his voice was low, but he sounded hoarse. Was he stammering? He cleared his throat. "Ken, you stink."

"_N-nani_?" I asked, surprised. 

He took advance and escaped from my embrace while my brain was trying to process what had happened. I felt my cheeks reddening, but I wasn't sure it was just because Youji had said I stank or because I had embraced him tightly against me... and I realised I wanted it to last forever. 

"You... you... What did you say?" I asked. I needed him to tell me a joke, to make some of his remarks or I was going to hug him again.

"You _stink_, Kenken."

"I don't stink!" I protested.

"Well, you smell, at least. You never took a shower after your match" he explained himself. I frowned.

"Now it's when I took advantage of you telling me your deepest secret..." He opened his green eyes wide. "Now I know you're ticklish at your sides..." 

I tried to approach to him to fulfill my menace, but he just crossed his arms and smiled with mischief.

"I lied" he said.

"_Nani_?" I asked, stopping.

"I lied, Kenken. You don't have pink underwear. I'm not ticklish."

"Oh, damnit" I protested, frowning. "I should know I can't trust you" He looked at me suddenly, we were very close. His green eyes were fixed on mine... and I gulped under the intensity of his gaze.

"Yes, you should know" he said, and he sounded somewhat... serious. "And I hope you can forgive me one day" he added in a mere whisper.

"Youji! It was only a joke!" I replied quickly.

"A joke..." He raised his hand and he touched carefully my hair. This time he was not ruffling my hair, this time he was brushing my bangs off my face with a gentle touch. I felt a shiver down my spine. I felt my heart going fast. I felt I couldn't breath. "You're a such a good man, Ken" he said, sweetly. I gulped again. A good man, not a nice guy, as he always said.

"S-so... So a-are you, Youji. You are..." 

He shook his head and then smiled, somehow shyly. I couldn't say anything. Even in the darkness, his green eyes were shining. Even in the darkness, he was looking beautiful. I wanted to say many things, it was the moment to say a lot of things, but my throat betrayed me and went dry at the sight of Youji. And the moment flew away, jus like his hand left my hair.

"I'm going to sleep, I've morning shift" he told me, and he went to his bedroom. "Damn, I hate mornings, I tell you..." he said looking at me over his shoulder. "Good night, Kenken. And take that shower!!" he said with his last smile before he closed his door.

I stayed in the corridor, staring at the door like a stupid. It was getting really difficult to not tell him. He was so... magnetic, to say it clearly. I felt attracted to him more and more everyday, every hour. I knew I had nothing to do, and I didn't want to be rejected and lose him as a friend but... I didn't know how much I was going to last. I loved him. I loved him so much that it hurt.

"Good night... my love."

TBC?

**Gara's notes:** Ok, it's done. I ended this chapter on February 28 (Spanish hour), a day before Omi's birthday. Well, I don't really know. I think it's not so funny as I wanted it to be, but... it's finish. At it's going hard to write, too. Uf! They should confess each other and live happy ever after... but life is more complicated than that. And I like angst. 

About the chapter, well, I love _ Star Wars: a new hope_, it's my favorite of all films of SW. And I had never laughed so hard as watching _Spaceballs_, by Mel Brooks. I swear you. So funny! Yoghurt. LOL. And, yes, I think Shinichirou pronunciates English very bad. But not worse than me, that's difficult! Anyway I love his voice. More about the chapter... Aya wasn't going to appear. I don't hate him, truly, but it's hard for me to see him like a part of the 'family', just because he is always saying he is not _ Weiß_ and he wants to quit! Yeah, sure he cared and everything, but he still should realize that he is a part of the group, and they cared for him. Aya _no baka_! But, at the end I thought it could be a good point to start with the 'pertenence feeling' or whatever. I hope he would not be out of chara.

Thank you, as always. Thanks to ** Aoi-san** (this one is for you!) and her friends for the tips and inspiration (and for those songs), thanks to **Phoenix**, even if she couldn't left her review here (thankyouthankyou very much, I appreciate your mail (I had to answer you) and I hope hearing more from you!), thanks to ** Ana Hibiki-sama**, please don't be mad at Youji-kun (he is suffering too!), hope you enjoy Kenken here. And for you all that keep still reading. Thank you all!


	7. Chapter 7

**_Gara's rambling (as usual):_** Hi, do you remember me? ^^;; _Long_ time no see, _ne_? Man, this had been_ hard_. Not only because I had problems with my computer (silly thing), and work, and exams, but also for the story. Hard is not the word. It's ultra-hard. Woa! It's getting difficult for sure. I hope you like it... because I'm not sure at all.

_**About the fic:**_ _Yaoi_ (well... still _shonen ai_), YoKen pairing. I don't own _Weiß Kreuz _(in that case, I would never had developed _Glühen_, truly _).

**SILENCE**

Chapter 7

By Gara

I closed the door behind me and immediately I leaned my back against the wood. Maybe I was looking for the cold on my skin to calm me down. Maybe I was just looking for the support I needed. I ended on the floor, anyway. My back sliced and I sit down, my legs bending until I could rest my arms on them. I ran a hand through my hair slowly. A shaking hand. I stared at them, both were trembling. Kudou Youji was _shaking_. What a joke. I brought them to my face.

Big mistake, because I could still smell him on them. And, of course, he didn't stink at all. His sweet and fresh scent was on my own skin, like a memory of everything that had happened on the corridor. Like a torture. When he hugged me and I...

I nearly...

God.

I had forgotten for a moment the kind of person he was. Even if I didn't expect that gesture, he did it. He did it because it was what he felt. He was not the kind of person that thought very much what he was going to do. He always did what his heart told him was right. It was his heart, his big and caring heart, the one which guided his actions, no matter what it was about. He was impulsive and he did what he felt like.

And so he did.

When I felt him so thigh against me, when I sensed his warm body, his breath through my clothes and his arms rounding my waist... I stopped thinking. I stopped breathing. I also thought my heart stopped beating. My entire world had turned to feelings. Sensations. 

Warm. Tenderness. Sweetness. Safety.

Love.

And fear.

Above all, fear. His gesture screamed love. It was far more than a friendly hug. The way he embraced me, the way he leaned his body on mine... it all showed a love so deep that it scared me. He had fallen for me, hard, in such a way he woke in me the guilt. I had failed him; I could not protect him from me. If I continued like that, I would drag him with me in my darkness and I would break him. I couldn't do that. I still had an opportunity, however. I could freak out, yell him and pretend to be upset. That was what I was going to do, in a last attempt to push him off from me.

But my own body betrayed me and I found my hands above his, squeezing gently, giving up a little, like a small surrender. Truth was I was enjoying the feeling to be hugged by him, the wonderful person I was in love with. I knew it was a mistake, a very big one. I knew I was only making things worse, I knew I couldn't allow myself to surrender like that, but... even if I knew, I couldn't help it. 

Because I loved him.

The world disappeared, it was only Ken and the feelings he was waking up on me. It was so marvellous I only wanted to turn around and hug him back. I wanted to grab my arms all around him, I wanted him to rest his head on my shoulder, I wanted to caress his hair gently, running my fingers on it, I wanted him to feel the same warm, I wanted to hear him sighing again and feel his breath against my skin.

And I also wanted him to feel the same safety I felt on his arms. But I knew he would never be safe on my arms, nor near me. As much as I loved him, I knew I shouldn't give up. Because I was not playing alone, it was Ken who I was talking about. Ken, his life and his heart. I wanted to be worth of him, but I knew I was not, so I forced myself to say something stupid and to escape from an embrace that resumed all that was good in this world for me. I didn't deserve such thing.

He was confused; I saw it on his eyes. And he was more confused when I caressed his hair. Truth was, I was confused, too. What a joke. To have the person you love so close to you and could not do anything about it. Sure God had a big sense of humour, even if I didn't see the joke. The only thing I saw was that beautiful, beloved, face and those dark, deep eyes of his. The only thing I wanted was kissing him and telling him everything.

See? I was losing. So, I escaped.

I retreated to my bedroom where the darkness would surround me, where the silence and the loneliness would calm me down and make me think correctly. Where all those things would allow me to put myself together and to take again the resolution I took long ago: not telling Ken I loved him. To hide to him I loved him, I adored him. To protect him from me, from the pain I could cause him, from the hell I brought to others. But I was never alone, even in my bedroom, I was with me, and I'm my worst enemy. My thoughts, my feelings, my past, my guilt... Myself. 

His scent on my skin...

Maybe it was me who needed a shower, after all. Although as much as I washed myself I couldn't forget that scent. It was more in my mind than in my nose. No. What I needed was a drink, a strong one to escape far away from there. From myself, better. I felt the sudden need to get drunk. Maybe that way I could sleep without dreams, without seeing Ken or worse... without seeing her and felt again the guilt for betraying him. 

It had worked before. The trick was being drunk or looking for a warm body to sleep with. The second chance was out of consideration, so I still had the first one. As I said, it had worked before.

I was such a coward...

I rose on my feet and walked towards my desk. I had always something to drink there, although I didn't remember right then what I had hidden last time, when I found Maki's corpse. Since then I had not felt the need for a drink, the same I had not felt he need for going clubbing or something like that. But right then I needed a drink and a cigarette, and I looked for them.

"Mission: complete."

Vodka. It was vodka, and cheap, it seemed. I didn't care. I took the bottle and approached to the window, which I opened wide. Cold breeze greeted me and I was thankful because I needed it. I need the cold on my skin, the quiet of the night outside, to help me and clean my mind enough to keep me in my resolution. Or, at least, I wanted it until my mind was so dizzy by the alcohol I only wanted to go to bed.

Like the coward I was I took a long swig directly from the bottle and then I lighted a cigarette. I looked at my hands. A bottle of vodka. A cigarette. I smiled bitterly. I just couldn't understand how a person like Ken could love me. I had all the bad points he hadn't.

What had he seen in me?

"You're blind, Ken" I murmured to the cold air, breathing out nothing but white smoke.

And maybe it was my fault. Not only I had failed him being incapable to protect him from me, but I also had dragged him with me. I had attracted him to me. I had showed him a face, a side of mine, which I knew it was very difficult to resist. I had not done it on purpose, but the result had been the same. It had been to cheer Omi up.

To lighten Omi I had made all that was at my hand. I had been funny, imaginative and... plain silly. I had said many stupid things, I had joked wherever I found the chance, and they both had laughed with me; even Aya had smiled. I was proud of it, because I had succeeded in making Omi smile again. But I had not realized until the end that Ken was looking... no, not looking... He was staring at me, he was listening to me, he was attentive at my very movements. It was clear he was being attracted to me... and the worse thing was I couldn't stop behaving like that, because I was doing it for Omi. And I was enjoying as well... I was like the old me, like the kid I was once, without troubles, the kid that could enjoy a single evening with his friends, his current family. Ken said it was nothing wrong in being a kid sometimes, and I had agreed with him.

At the end, it proved to be a mistake. I should have stopped then. I know that I'm sometimes like a magnet. I'm not showing off, because it's true. I'm magnetic, I'm charismatic, and I had always been, even when a kid. Nothing to complain for, because it had served me in the past, to gather information, for example. It's a gift... and a burden, because it sometimes backfires to me and I end attracting people even if I'm not aware of it. It happened with Ken. Even if I didn't want him to be near me, I had behaved in a way that had attracted him to me. Truly, I didn't want it, because it was dangerous for him. I didn't want it... 

Did I?

Maybe it was my subconscious, playing tricks on me. I just didn't know. I took another long, very long sip from the bottle and ran a hand through my hair. 

I just... didn't know.

Maybe Ken only knew one of my faces. He knew the funny Youji. The Youji that was always joking, smiling and teasing, the Youji he had seen that night, the Youji he had embraced tightly that night. He didn't know the jerk Youji, the drunken Youji, the coward, the bastard, the selfish, the...

"The real Youji" I said to the night, taking a long sip. "The real me."

That was what I wanted to believe. That was I was trying to convince myself: the reason Ken loved me was he didn't know the real me.

Believe me or not, I'm a good liar. I can convince anyone the sun travels from south to north and keep smiling all the time, that is who I am. I'm able of it, call it another gift. But the truth was that it had always been difficult to lie myself. Sometimes I succeed, but not this time. Because Ken had seen me in my job, he had seen the kind of murderer I am, the way I kill... and the way I try to bear it all. He had seen me after the missions, the same I had seen him. If someone could understand me, it was someone of my comrades. 

Someone like Ken. 

Maybe Ken...

_Maybe..._

"Try it, Kudou, and you'll break him" I told myself bitterly, taking another long sip from the bottle. 

Funny. The bottle wasn't as heavy as before, and I was starting to feel warm, even with the cold of the night entering through the opened window. It was working, it seemed. I was getting drunk... only with a pizza in my stomach, and it had been digested long ago; the alcohol was spreading really quickly through my body. And it would be quicker, because I was determined to finish the bottle. I took another sip.

It was better if I kept thinking Ken didn't know me enough. Yes, it was a good thought. He loved me because he didn't know the real me. That was fine. The only thing I had to do, then, was showing him the real Youji, and everything would be fine. He would discover the kind of person I was and he would run away from me...

He would run away from me.

Was that what I really wanted? To have Ken far apart from me? Before I loved him, he was my friend. I needed his friendship the same I needed the air I breathed. I needed him. I didn't want to be far from him... 

"Who cares?" I tried to convince myself and, for that, I took another swig from the bottle. Long, very long. I drank it as the transparent liquid was really water. I was used to the unpleasant heat on my throat. "I don't care. I'll push him off. I don't care anymore."

No, I didn't care... not for me. I needed his presence, true, but I also needed his happiness and, for that, I should push him off. I didn't mind my heart anymore, I didn't mind my feelings, I didn't mind anything about me. It was the time to stop being selfish. I should save Ken from me, and there was only one way. I should show my real face to him.

"Just wait, Kenken... Let's see how much you love me... " I said after the last sip. The bottle was empty... "Just wait..." 

The bottle in my hand was empty... and I felt envy. I wish I could be like it. Empty. I wish I could be empty, too... The bottle sliced from my hand to the floor, where it broke in the carpet. It wasn't loud, it didn't wake any of my comrades, they were sleep long ago. But it broke, anyway. I wish I could be empty, as the bottle... and like the bottle I was. 

Broken.

I let myself fall in my bed... and sleep finally came to me while I was crying.

But, as much as I desired an endless night which could swallow me and my guilt without leaving any trace of me, the daylight always comes. The sun always rises on the horizon, bringing light and life. To the world, to the city, to the people... bringing light even to me, although I sometimes feel like dying inside. Sometimes I hate the light.

It hurts.

That day was one of them. Although I had slept without dreams for once, thanks to the alcohol, I didn't feel refreshed. I had not rested and the pain in my head, the result of my dear vodka, wasn't helping. Remember: never drink with an empty stomach if you didn't want to wake with the big need to throw up. Lucky I was, I had nothing left in to leave in the bathroom, so I only felt the world was dancing all around me and my head was having the worst headache in years. I needed an aspirin or two... maybe three. I needed water to my dry mouth. I needed the world to stop going round and round like crazy... or was it my head? Never mind. But, before that, I needed to rise from my own bed. And that was not an easy task to ask, considering the fact that even the light through my closed eyes hurt. I didn't dare to open them, knowing perfectly that I had left the window totally open before falling asleep. 

"... stupid Kudou..." I murmured to myself, feeling my tongue like scourer. "... disgusting..."

I succeed in lifting my arm to my eyes and protect them from the light. Then, I rose in a simple motion, sitting on the edge of the bed. And the world seemed to quicken its stupid dance, only to annoy me. I was really happy I had nothing to throw up, because I was really, really feeling like it. 

"... _Yamero_..." I said, to whatever being that was making the world going around me. 

Slowly, very slowly, it ended and I could open my eyes a little bit. Light hurt, even if the window was on my back. I looked quickly for my sun glasses, cursing when I remembered I left my favourites on the car last night. But I was a man with many sources, and I found another pair on my bed table, which I put on quickly.

"Ah... _yokatta_..."

According to the bright green numbers on my alarm clock, it was eight o'clock in the morning. Not bad for me, only eight o'clock. I was only thirty minutes late at work. A record. Strangely, nobody had come upstairs to wake me up, I was supposed to have morning shift and I should open the door. Or maybe they had come, and I hadn't heard them. Anyway, I didn't mind. I was not feeling like I was in a hurry, so I take it slowly. 

I finally rose from my bed with the simply intention of going to the bath and take my time on having a good and slow shower. I didn't mind if Aya or anyone got angry. I didn't mind anything. And I really didn't, but when I managed to go to the door and open it, heading to the bathroom, I was surprised with a loud sound from downstairs. 

Broken crystal. A cry. Bangs. Thuds. Another cry.

I didn't know exactly what went through me on that moment, because my mind was clouded and I wasn't feeling in my best day, but it was something like a red alarm. Government was looking for us, for Weiß, from several days, even if we were somewhat innocent this time; we were in danger... what if they had found us? What if they had broken in the shop? What if they were attacking us? What if...

Omittchi... Aya...

_Ken._

The pain on my head was quickly forgotten, my only desire was my legs could be faster when I ran downstairs, leaping the four of five last steps. Once I reached the first floor, I rushed to the kitchen, where we had the back door which connected to the shop, all the time praying because I didn't want the images on my head to become reality. 

" KEN!! Omittchi?!" I asked, almost screaming when I opened the door. "A... a... _Are_?"

I must have looked like an idiot, or something. I had almost knocked the door over and the sight that greeted me was Omi's big blue eyes focused on me, full opened. The kitchen was quiet, all too quiet; everything on its right place, the television was on, the table set. And then my head, like the traitor it is, started to ache, reminding me my bad shape. I put my hand on my temples, which had started to beat madly.

"_Itte_..."

"Youji-kun?" I heard Omi was saying. The kid was grabbing a broom with both hands. I had surprised him so bad that his knuckles were almost white. "_Da... daijobu desu ka_?"

"_Aa_" I managed to say, letting myself to fall in the nearest chair.

"You look like _crap_." 

This time it was Ken's voice the one I heard. I tensed, realizing just there I had slept with the same clothes I wore last night, I hadn't taken that shower, I hadn't even brushed my hair. I had a big, really big hangover and I had only a pair of sunglasses to cover it, which was obviously insufficient. I surely looked like crap, as Ken had said. And he sounded dry, somewhat upset. Was he mad at me for what I told him last night? I had to remind myself I didn't mind. It should not mind to me. 

So, who cared?

"Morning to _you_, too" I said bitterly. I didn't give him the chance to answer me. I raised my head and looked the two of them. "What happened here? I heard a loud thud and I thought..."

"Well..." started Omi. "You know, Youji-kun, we were..."

"It was my fault. I... what I saw..." continued Ken, looking to one side and blushing lightly. "I exploded."

"Exploded?" I repeated, looking at Ken. 

Yes, I reminded myself that I should not care why he was not looking at me, but I didn't succeed completely. Was he really mad at me? Did I lose him yet? I should be happy, right? It would be easier that way, because then I hadn't to push him from me. He was already far. But... why did the mere thought of it hurt so much?

"_That_" said Ken, pointing to the TV with his head, frowning deeply. 

I knew why he had exploded when I followed his head and looked at the television. I consciously ignored the tiny relief I felt when I understood Ken wasn't mad at me, but at the news he had seen on the screen. That relief was suppressed and replaced with something I couldn't define clearly. It was a mixture of incredulity, uncertainty, disgust, sorrow and anger. The screen showed images of the latest crime of those that called themselves _Weiß_, that was, those who had stolen our identities. This time, the attempt had been big and simply cruel. They had placed a bomb in a crowed part of the city and had detuned it, killing a lot of people on the way. I saw nothing more than fire and smoke on the screen, but the sweet voice on off was telling the whole story, was counting the victims, the injured, the loss. And, which every number, my need to throw up grew. Luckily, I had nothing left in my stomach, but the taste in my mouth was bitter.

"_Ma... masaka..._" I said. I was lost of words, maybe for first time in my life. But it was unbelievable. 

How many people they had killed and why? How many innocents had died that morning? I could understand why Ken had exploded, as he said, when he saw that. I was almost going to, and I was far less impulsive than he was. Having the big heart he had, having the strong sense of justice he had, the strange thing was he hadn't taken his bike and rode to look for those fake _Weiß_. Being the good person, the lovely person he was, he couldn't stand it, he couldn't understand it. None of us could, Ken the less. He was too good to understand it.

"_Doushite_?" asked Omi in a low voice, and I heard a sharp pain breath when the screen showed what seemed to be the head of a teddy bear. It was Ken pained breath, clearly. It was another blow to him, the realization that kids were implied, too, that kids were suffering, too. The most innocent beings of all, implied in a war without meaning.

"Turn it off" said Ken, closing his eyes hard and fisting his hands harder. "TURN IT _OFF_, DAMN IT!!" 

Omi did it quickly, looking pale and sad. I only stared at Ken. 

His features showed the anger and despair he felt. He punched the fridge, hard, looking for release of those feelings, sensing that he was going to explode again. His bangs covered his eyes, but I could see the spark, the trace of tears on them. And, even if he was angered, even if he was sad, even if he didn't know what to do... He was beautiful. Not only in in body, but in mind and soul. Because all that he was feeling was for all those victims, not for him, not for any of us. All that he was feeling showed the purity of his soul, even if he was a killer himself. There was a difference between those _Weiß_ and us. 

The difference was called justice.

"Omi, please, contact _ Persia_." I said. My voice sounded calm, it didn't show the anger I felt towards the terrorist. Omi looked at me and nodded, his face very serious. "I think it's time to hunt those black beast." I added in a mere whisper, before the kid stood up and left the kitchen.

And when Ken, with his eyes still bright with unspilled tears, looked up and smiled somewhat shyly at me, I tried to convince myself I was doing it for the victims, for justice, and not because I wanted Ken to smile again and be alive. 

"Youji, I..." started Ken, looking at me.

I didn't dare to think about it. I didn't dare to think about my reasons. I shouldn't. 

"You should clean this mess, Ken" I cut him, without thinking twice. 

I quickly followed Omi example and stood up before Ken could add anything more. My head still ached, but I forced myself to go. I was determined to flee from there for only one reason: I had seen gratitude on Ken's bright chocolate eyes, and that was really dangerous. For both of us, I should keep the resolution I took the previous night. 

I should keep him away from me. No matter the cost.

At first, he seemed taken off guard, maybe for the tone I used, but he took a quick look around him and understood what I was saying. He blushed lightly, just like he always did when he discovers he had done anything wrong, and then he nodded and took the broom again, ready to clean the kitchen. He had threw his favourite mug, a big blue one, against a wall, where it broke to pieces... spilling the milk and the pieces on the floor. 

"Clumsy Ken, _ne_?" he asked in a whisper. 

My heart ached. I wanted to say him he should be proud to be that clumsy if it meant he cared for the welfare of others. I wanted to say him that being that clumsy was one of the things that made him so special. I wanted to say so many things... 

"I'm going to take a shower" I said, instead.

I never gave him the chance to say anything; I simply retreated to the first floor, to the safety of the bath, and took that damned shower. The more I thought about throwing him apart, the more it ached. The mere sight of Ken made me wonder if I was really sure I wanted to be far from him. I was letting my heart to take control over me again, when it should be my mind, a cold mind, the one to guide my actions. I should stop thinking about Ken. I should think about the mission. 

The mission and only that. 

I had never felt so lucky when Omi called us to the mission room. Persia hadn't taken long to answer the kid, he seemed to be as worried and affected as us about the whole thing. We had a mission, we had been summoned again to hunt the black beast that were threatening innocent people, and we were more than pleased to accept the quest, the recent images of the TV on our head... and hearts. That was the only thing we should thing about.

Omi had always worked fast. He had already located a potential new objective for our enemies, calculating the last attacks and the lack of fuel of the stolen helicopter. It was a landfill in the sea, an abandoned structure used as tip, or something like that, for the Tokyo Sanitary Department. For me, and judging his characteristics, it was obviously a trap. It was a bait, the second one. First had been the bomb on a crowed place. 

"Definitely, a trap" I pointed out. It all reeked of it. No one of my comrades discussed it.

"What do we do?" asked Omi.

"Let's start the mission" said Ken, and he didn't think it twice.

Of course he didn't think it twice. Even if it was a bait, even if it was a trap, for Ken was far more important that he was closer to our enemies; the trap was settled by them, so we had a chance to see them, to discover something about them and, of course, to avenge the victims. Knowing Ken the way I knew him, it was obvious he was not going to think it very much. It was the way he was. 

"By the way... where did Aya go?" I asked, in a last attempt to stop thinking about Ken.

"Aya-kun is... not coming back" answered Omi in a low voice. Although both Ken and I turned to look our younger team-mate, neither of us asked him why he had said that. We saw in Omi's eyes something had happened; the kid looked sad and worried. 

"_Sou ka..."_ said Ken.

"_Maaa..."_ I followed. "So, it's going to be like the old times, only the three of us" I added on my best lazy tone.

But I didn't feel that way. I knew Aya was de independent type; it was not the first time he had chosen his path without talking to us. I knew our leader was going after Takatori's head, and I knew his motivations were strong. I could even understand him, now that we knew for sure were that big bastard was hiding. But it surprised me. I had thought that something had changed after the previous night. After what he had said to Omi, after he had spent the evening with us... I thought something had changed. I thought Aya would end putting the group before his own motivations. Aya proved me wrong. 

But, who in the Hell was I to judge? Wasn't I far more selfish than him?

"Fine for me" I ended, lighting up a cigarette.

"_Gomen_" said Omi, still in a low voice. "I think it's my fault..."

"Don't think too hard, _ bishounen_" I told him. He looked at me at the nickname, but this time he didn't patronize me. "There is not point."

"Let's go, Omi" said Ken, simply.

We waited until the sun disappeared from the sky, and then we started our mission. As we expected, we didn't find any obstacle when we tried to reach our objective. Nobody tried to stop us; we easily surpassed the fence that wasn't even electrified. Since we knew we were running to a trap, we were ready for the worst thing... But the worst thing was far beyond our imagination. It was an entire army what awaited us in the tip, all prepared to get us. I saw them the first, because they focused powerful lights to us to blind us. 

"Drop your weapons, _Weiß_" sounded a rough voice, amplified with a megaphone.

"So, it _was_ a trap" said Ken by my side, as a matter of fact.

Since I was wearing my shades I was the first to notice we were completely surrounded by a lot of men, all of them wearing weapons; I also distinguished three helicopters on his side, very well equipped. It took us by surprise. We knew Takatori was a powerful man, but we were expected to battle against those minions of his, the people who killed Ouka, the Irish, the American and the German guys. They proved us wrong, very wrong. Since when had Takatori Reiji gathered so much power? Did he control the whole Japanese Army? Was he going to use the Army to get only three people? It was so absurd we didn't even think of it.

Our big mistake.

They had surprised us, but they weren't going to catch us so easily. Taking advantage of the fact they were waiting us to surrender, we did exactly the opposite. This time we took them out of guard, and we could run away trying to find a safer place were we can plan our next step. Anyway, I knew it was only a matter of time. They would catch up soon.

"_Chikusho!_ There is too many of them!" cried Ken, while we were still running. "If Aya were here at least..."

"Don't depend on a drop-out" I snorted. Aya was _not_ there, we should concentrate in ourselves and our abilities to survive. "Right now _Weiß_ is only us!"

"There!!" shouted Omi, pointing to a large pile of metal garbage. "We could cover there!"

We ran towards the place, looking for coverage behind the metal. The soldiers were very close, and we could hear those damn helicopters flying. Omi was the first to reach the place, followed by Ken. But, when he was leaping to access our hiding place a bang sounded and he shouted in pain, grabbing his leg immediately.

"KEN!" I cried, pushing him to the floor and hiding him from the snipers. I felt my heart leaping on my chest when I saw dark red blood on his hands and his trousers. "_Ma... saka..."_

Ken had been shot. 

"Ken-kun!" shouted Omi, trying to have a look on the wound. 

He had been shot.

"Shit!" said Ken. "Damn it!"

I looked alternatively to his face and his leg. Omi quickly took care of him. The kid was good at it, he had very much experience. Meanwhile I... I didn't know what I felt. I didn't know what to do. He was bleeding; he was gritting his teeth due to the pain. I should be looking for our enemies, to control where they were and what they were doing, but I couldn't. Ken was staring at Omi as the kid bandaged his leg as fast as he could to contain the haemorrhage, and he seemed to be in pain. I couldn't resist and I took his face on my hands, to see his eyes, to see if he was all right despite the blood and the pain. He raised his chin when I obliged him to, and opened his eyes wide, in surprise.

"_Daijobu desu ka_?!" I asked, my voice worrier than I pretended it to be. 

"It hurt" he answered, with a soft pink flush on his cheeks. "But I'm..."

"It will be fine, Ken-kun" said Omi, raising his head with a relieved face. "The bullet did not hit you fully; it's a deep scratch, although it seems to bleed a lot. I bandaged it, you should be able to move..."

"... _yokatta_..." I breathed.

"Don't worry, Youji" Ken said with a smile. Just then I realized what was I doing and I retreated from him, pretending I returned my attention to our enemies. "What are they doing?" asked my comrade, taking a look.

"They are coming" I informed.

"Damn it, they are so many... Isn't there something we could do?" he wanted to now, gritting his teeth again, this time in anger.

But it seemed there wasn't. The army was gathering around us, with the jeeps, the guns, and all the things. The helicopters soon reunited with its allies. This time we were surrounded by sure. They could kill us as they pleased... if they had the opportunity. I looked at my partners. They looked worried, but not scared. They were looking for a solution of the situation, but they weren't to flee from. They were so great... so great...

"_Yare, yare_..." I said, in my lazy tone, to distract them from the fact I was adjusting the wire in my clock. "Our time it's going to run in a place like this..." 

Ken frowned at me.

"I'm not giving up until the very end!!" he snorted. 

And he spoke with so much passion, with so much determination on his tone that he just seemed a giant before me. He was valiant, no doubt of it. He wasn't going to surrender easily. And he had not, as much as I could give him time. Neither he nor Omi would die that night. Not if Kudou Youji had something to say.

"Violently snorting your last breath" I answered him, more to annoy him and make him angry with me, because I didn't want them to look what I was doing with my wire. I didn't want them to know what I was planning to do next.

"Here they come!" Omi shouted.

And I find my opportunity. As soon as the soldier moved towards us, I threw the wire to the first soldier I found and I launched myself to the battle.

"We are not going to die quietly!!"

"Youji!" I heard Ken crying.

"Ken-kun! Don't go!" shouted Omi. "We must divide!!"

Good boy, Omi, very good. He had understood me. We should be apart of each other so that the soldiers had to divide to catch us all. Besides, if we fight close to them, they couldn't use their weapons if they didn't want to shoot their companions... and that was a problem we didn't have. That was why the helicopters couldn't shoot, too. They were risking their own men and, as we were apart, I was sure I couldn't hit Omi or Ken with my wire, so I used it at full. Soon I had attracted so many attentions to me that even one of the helicopters was flying up my head.

It was all right. Leave the kids and go for the big one.

My plan had worked, half of the army were occupied with me, and so my companions could flee easily. I was going to smile when I heard a loud bang followed immediately by a cry. Ken had shouted Omi's name and, when I turn around, I saw our younger mate falling to the ground. He had been shoot and it seemed serious because the kid had disappeared from our views and didn't return. I felt a cold shiver down my spine. Omi didn't stand up. 

"OMI!!" cried Ken again.

Still feeling like somebody had grabbed my heart in my chest, I acted quickly. It is said that fear gives wings to men, and I could say it's true, or it was in that moment, because next thing I remember is I had used my wire to get ride of some soldiers that were on my way to take a jeep. What happened with the men, I didn't know. I didn't even care. The only thing I knew was Omi was in danger, that the _bishonen_, our kid, had been shot and he needed help. 

I jump on the jeep and started the engine, which answered quickly and surely. I drove with a hand in the steering wheel as the other was occupied looking for a cigarette on my pocket. I was nervous and that was one of my ways to deal with it. Again, a muddy climax. Things wasn't going well at all, we had no luck. Omi was wounded somewhere and Ken... I didn't even dare to think about Ken, if I wanted to keep the little sense I had. It could be so easy to give up... It could be so easy... No more pain, no more problems, no more mistakes. No more suffering.

"If I leave now it will be a real scum" I mutter, the cigarette, which I had not lighted, hanging on my mouth.

No more Omi. No more Aya, also. No more Ken.

No more Ken.

"Losing you was enough, Asuka..."

Losing them would be Hell. 

Losing _him_… I shook my head.

They had seen me near the very bottom. When we meet, I had lose Asuka and I had been nearly forced to join _Weiß_; you could say I was not in my best moment. In fact, all that I wanted was to die, but I'm a coward, you know. That was why I joined _Weiß_ at first, in my desire that, one night, in a mission, somebody would kill me. But it didn't happen, because Omi and Ken cared for me, for which I was very upset. 

They didn't mind. They waited. They forgave my behaviour towards them, and I could be a real pain in the ass if I want. They coped with me, they lived with my way of life, with my constants hangover everyday... but they waited for me. At first, I didn't understand why, but I've always been the receptive type, and I understood that they had passed through it too in the past, and they knew what I was feeling, or something like that. 

So, they kept still. 

They silently offered me a place to stay, a house to return. They offered me a place to call home, and also they gave me their friendship. And, with that, they raised me up little by little, the healed me. They gave me somebody to care for again, to live for again, now that my live had no sense without Asuka, now that my live wasn't worth of living. Omi wasn't the only one that considered the group as his family. It was mine, too. I had found in them friendship, and love. Even if I wasn't worth of it, they had given me all of these. Friends to care for and even a man to love with all my heart and my soul.

If I started to live again, I did it for them. 

I _still_ did. 

And I was not letting them die on me, not if I could do something about it.

"One lose was _enough_!" I cried, feeling the tears on my eyes. But I didn't let them fall at all. I was not going to cry because there was nobody to cry for. And it would be nobody. 

I drove the car towards the place were I had seen Omi last time, which was also the place where the whole army was moving, as they could catch our companion easily. I didn't care. My only idea was rescuing my friend from there, and then took Ken and run away from there under their very noses... But it was easier saying it than doing. 

I didn't know where the shoots came from. They didn't hit me, so I think I should consider myself very lucky, but one bullet shattered the windscreen while another burst one of the front wheels. It was instantaneous, without the wheel the car went round and round. I tried to keep it under control, but I couldn't and it collided against a pile of metal beams at the end. The crash was strong, but the worse was yet to come, because all the beams managed to fall on top of me.

The events that followed my collision are not very clear, as if I was watching the whole thing through a cloud, a very thick one. I remember the crash, the beams, the pain and the darkness that welcomed me, but I also remember a loud sound, an explosion of light that obliged me to open my eyes, only to see a ball of fire in the sky. One of the helicopters had exploded in the air. I didn't know why, but somewhere inside me my mind told me that it was a good thing for us. I could feel the heat of the explosion on my skin, I could hear the shock between the soldiers and I could also hear a very familiar voice shouting at the top of his lungs. The voice rose clearly between the shots and the noises of battle.

"Don't underestimate the reflexes of a former goalkeeper!!" 

Ken.

It was Ken, his voice never so welcomed in my ears. He was alive and he was fighting, as he told me he was going to do, until the very end. I didn't know from where he came, but soon I felt a thud in the front of the car. When I opened again my eyes I met the brown ones I knew all too well. He was squatting in front of me, and he was...

He was smiling.

He was smiling the most beautiful smile I had never seen. I didn't know where it came from, but, even between the shadows, in that moment of despair and danger, he was smiling. For a moment I knew what the angels looked like. He looked sure, powerful, and full of hope. He looked beautiful. He would be my anchor to believe we could go out from all that mess.

Damn it... It was impossible not to love him.

"Time to switch players" he said, looking at me. I understand and I sliced out from the pilot site, which he occupied quickly. He started the engine and drove backwards. "I'm going to save Omi" he told me.

"_Maaa_... I just happened to be on the way" I quickly answered, after adjusting my glasses again to my nose. He smiled at me briefly, and then he turned serious again.

"We are going in together!" he cried.

Ken concentrated on the drive and I tried to light a cigarette, although my lighter didn't work at all. I gave up and stood by Ken side, with the cigarette on my lips. I didn't care. I felt my mood was rising, I even tried to joke with him... and the reason was merely he was by my side. I didn't know if we were going to die, but I didn't mind to die with him. We had come there to avenge the deaths and injuries of innocent people. We were right this time; if we dead, it would be for justice. Of course we were going to do everything we could to keep alive but, if the death was the end that waited for us, I would be happy if the last thing I saw was Ken's beautiful face. 

"I think this is hopeless." I looked at him, who was smiling lightly. "Even in the time with Kase... even now..." He seemed to be talking to himself, more that speaking to me. "What the heck... If it wasn't troublesome, we won't be in _Weiß_, _ne_?" I almost laughed. It seemed I wasn't the only one to feel the urge to joke to bear the tension. "Youji, I… I…"

I reacted quickly and I put my own cigarette on his mouth, to prevent him to say anything. He looked at me puzzled, but I only smiled. I didn't want to hear the words that were on my own heart. I didn't want to hear them in a place like that. That kind of situation always made saying things too fast… and the best for him was keeping quiet.

"Remind me to teach you some great pick-up lines in the future" I told him, with a wink. He closed and opened his eyes twice, and then he smiled lightly.

Of course, there would be a future, and we were going to fight for it. On the back of the car was a machine gun that I took to open us the way to Omi. Ken drove like crazy and I shoot everything that moved in the front of the jeep. They answered us with their guns and missiles, but Ken easily dodged them. He was a good driver. Maybe next time I would let him _Seven_...

"No!" we heard. "Don't come! Run! Run away!"

"Omi!" yelled Ken.

"There!" I shouted pointing to our left. Ken headed for the source of the cry.

We were so close... so close...

But everything went black in a moment. I didn't know how, I think the helicopters threw something at us and the car almost exploded. We were sent flying, each one in a different direction. I landed painfully on my back, and I fought for get on my feet, looking wildly around me. Where was Ken?

"Ken?!" I asked loudly, but no answer came. "Ken?" I asked again. My whole body ached; I wasn't feeling good at all and I felt the darkness approaching me… and the only thing I could think about was that I couldn't see Ken. 

And then, just when the panic was growing inside of me at the same time I was losing the little conscience I had left, destiny came in the person of Fujimiya Aya.

I didn't know very well how he managed to defeat the whole army by himself. Maybe he had a little help from _Persia_ and _ Manx_, but he did. He destroyed the two remaining helicopters and, without the air forces, the rest of the army ran away quickly. You have to be very brave to face Aya and his katana, I tell you, and very much more if he was using a machine gun.

"He did it" I managed to say, between the shadows of the darkness. 

Because, at the end, he had come. At the end, we were a group. 

Maybe a real family.

"Youji..." Aya said, approaching to me. He helped me to sit, his presence made the darkness fade away from me, and I could concentrate again.

"You are a bit late, are you?" I told him, in a mock tone. 

He didn't smile, but his features relaxed a little when he raised me to my feet and helped me to walk. We approached to Omi and Ken, the later was lying on the floor, his head on Omi's lap. My heart leapt in my chest and my pace went faster even if I couldn't walk properly. He was not moving. Omi was touching his face in a tender way, but he didn't move. 

"_Daijobu ka?_" I heard Aya was asking, and I was glad he did even if it was in that plain tone of his. My throat was so dry for the fear I couldn't say anything.

I saw Omi raised his head and smiled a little but what attracted all my attention was that Ken had opened his eyes and was smiling at us, giving us the thumps-up. I was so relieved I felt my knees bending; Aya had to strengthen his grip on my waist to prevent me to fall to the ground. But I reacted quickly and kept still.

"See, Ken? There was one more of us with little sense" I told him, pointing to Aya. 

Ken smiled broadly, and started to laugh, the sound was like music in the middle of the battlefield. Like the life itself. After all that we had been through, after all the danger and the fights, he was laughing. 

I just loved him. I could die for him.

But it hurt because, even then, I knew I was not worth of him.

****

_**Gara, again:**_ You never know how important is something to you until you are close to lose that something... but, knowing even that... will Youji give up and confess? Will Ken confess before him? Will those two bakas confess at the end and be happy ever after? -__-;; Will my computer let me write something before die completely? We'll see! See ya, _minna_!

I will apreciate you opinion, as always. R/R? 


End file.
